my very first objection

it’s been about 5 months since i first accepted Christ and what an exciting 5 months it has been… everything has been happening so fast in my Christian life that sometimes, I wish things don’t happen that fast. I want to experience and indulge before the next experience comes in…. but i guess it isn’t stopping yet. 5 months as a christian, i faced my very first objection today. major objection. so major, i might lose a relative.

since day 1, my mum told me to keep it under wraps. she doesn’t want me to tell anyone that i’m now a Christian. but i couldn’t contain my excitement – i went to tell my uncle and his wife, since they are already Christians… so i managed to keep it under wraps.. until today. We were lunching and someone mentioned about her partners being my church members… and my uncle blurted "ky is from that church wat!" and my aunt’s attitude changed 180 degrees. Her eyes turned cold and she said "ky probably joined the church so that she can close more deals". then she started tearing…. and after that, the plan after dinner was to go shopping. mum asked if i wanted to tag along. i wasn’t sure cos since it’s my aunt’s birthday, i don’t wanna spoil her mood – judging from her funny expression when she found out i was christian. then she said "anywhere SHE (refering to me) is going, i’m not going." 

WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT. i was really sad. i started crying. why am i judged because i am a Christian? aren’t Christians humans? i am aware that Christians have been too pushy towards her… and that she hates Christians… but i’m her favourite niece. does believing in a different God immediately put me in jail? I’m disappointed. but i guess i can only pray…. hopefully one day her heart will soften.

updates

it’s been a long time since i last blogged ain’t it? haha… no particular mood to blog. what more could i ask for? found a job, happy. no negative feelings or anything…. just pure bliss and at peace.

 

what job have i found, u ask? hmmm a job that would make u wish i wasn’t your friend. think about it.

 

don’t worry. i won’t pressurize you.

 

seasoned people in the same profession would say i’m soft. but being the thick-necked person that i am.. i still believe one can win using soft approaches.

 

major problems with my faith. hhaa. i think i’m treating God as… a God of conveniences. Ah, how easy it is to throw God aside after He has blessed me. I remember for months, I have been praying for a job. I didn’t get the job that I want. And another opportunity came by – which was closer to what I want, and it was better. Better boss, better commission. And the day I found the job was the day I forsake God. I forgot about Him. I stopped praying, I stopped my relationship with Him. I’m still very childish as a Christian. Sometimes I wonder why must we have a relationship with God. I mean.. i know it’s important. and i would want to do it. but i don’t know the purpose behind. but anyways… i find great encouragement in the bible. we all know that.. if we believe in something, we will get it, right? it states the same in the bible: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.Mark 11:24. I like it that it teaches us how to be positive. Hmm i think i still might be wrong… but i guess going for bible study more… and as time goes by, i would be able to understand more.

 

maybe i can pray for my exams. haha. failed 2 papers. registered for them again, to be taken in another 3 days. i hope i can pass. i really really hope i can pass. i wanna pass!!!! ganbatte-neh! really…. one never stops learning. we should never stop learning. i can’t imagine that perhaps a part of me wants to be stagnant all my life. but i can see life will really be meaningless if i haven’t grown any wiser or more intellectual. my life would be a total waste. should juz go and die. why bother living a fruitless life?! but really… to say that i am "over-and-done-with exams" after getting my degree………………. is juz an illusion. haha.

x

week 38 of 2009

was such a testing week. it tests my tolerance, persistance, mental capability, stress levels, faith.

last thursday (10th sept), i went for my numerical reasoning re-test. i didn’t know how to do many of the questions. it was a more difficult paper than the online version.. had to do 40 questions in 35 mins and there were many questions on inflation and price index. which… i couldn’t do cos it was something i wasn’t good in… i took a long time to complete each question. then the person said "1 more minute". i was like shit! and i still had 10 more questions unshaded! i made a silent prayer and circled the remaining 10…. and i told my colleagues what happened. they said, "it’s impossible for u to pass". i was dejected the whole day. i kinda blamed God, asking Him, "i thought if i prayed hard i would what i want?" so ultimately i gave up.. though i checked my email on thursday night, friday morning… then i gave up. seems like a day is such a long time. 

God reminded me he was there when i doubted his existence. he answered my prayers. 

monday morning i received 7 missed calls but i didn’t pick up cos i didn’t bring my phone out for lunch. received an IM… "are u coming for the interview?" apparently they emailed me on friday afternoon and i missed it completely… so rescheduled on wednesday. i was excited but also angry at myself.. because then i wouldn’t have any time to prepare.

monday night.. i didn’t prepare still. i went to visit my big boss… i thought i would be able to cruise the interview.

tuesday night, i prepared frantically. got bro to go through a stimulation with me……… when i went back, i couldn’t sleep. woke up every single hour. 

wednesday finally came. i did well in the interview, but i failed in my role play badly. i knew the product, but i just couldn’t get about selling it. Wenz was really nice to me… she kept prompting me… but i just couldn’t do it. my brain couldn’t move. it must be because of the night before… i blame it on that, i don’t know if it was really that or because i didn’t have enough role plays. but i was actually confident of selling… it has never been tough for me… just that i don’t know what happened.

thursday. lin asked me what happened to me during the role play. i said i was too nervous… and she offered me something else. perhaps this is what i should do cos when i was thinking.. if i ever get the role that i went for interview, can i just sell RPs? this job would enable me just to sell that.. it’s just like an agent.. except that i would have a base pay… it sounds good. 

thursday night. i received a wonderful gift from God. whenever i think about it, a smile spreads across my face. it makes me feel special. they said that when i have received it, i have to keep practising it…. it sounded gibberish. it sounded like tamil. but today…. it actually sounded "like the rest"… i don’t know where i got the energy from… it just shouted that language out. with anguish, with gust. it’s a funny feeling. i can’t explain it… but i feel peace in my heart. 

friday. appeared to be a good day. finally spoke to my friend… and my boss was in a good mood. and i was informed i didn’t get the job. then shit happened. in fact, i think it’s lao sai. but i seriously don’t think its my fault.

i think i am losing my zest in this job.

it’s a sunny day

but i’m feeling so very moody…. not because i hate the sun… but because of the events that happened today.

i went to pulau semakau for coastal cleanup. i never expected that we could find so much garbage on a beach. our team alone found 100kg of trash and we didn’t even take back everything we found. 100kg…. is too much. and we only have 3 trash bags that we could use. there were 8 teams.. so i guess there was 800kg of trash. anyway… what was suppose to be a happy trip… turned into a trip of agony and pain. my fren and i were carrying this box (which we found on the beach) with perhaps 40kg of garbage…. and somehow my side of the box was quite cui… it slipped off my fingers and she sprained her back. she was in so much pain! i felt so guilty.. think she was quite pissed also… but………… sigh. i was guilty the whole day. even when i was taking my nap i kept dreaming about it… but there’s nothing i can do to help. shucks. i hate myself.

then i don’t know why the whole day i was filled with negative thoughts. i called him up to talk about it. he seemed very uninterested. he said…. it doesn’t concern u wat… it’s not like u got hurt or wat… i’m not interested. that was when i realised……. of course.. he’s not my boyfriend. why should he be bothered? then all the shit happened. everything got into me and i started feeling depressed again.

come to think of it…. i stopped being happy after i met him. it’s been such a long time……… when can i go back to the happy cheerful me again? God! HELP ME!!! I’M DISTRESSED, OPPRESSED… I NEED HELP!!!

it’s over!

yesterday, i was down with gastric flu but i spent the entire day crying.

even though i prayed that i would not cry over him, i couldn’t help it. i guess crying was a kind of emotional relief for me… it gathered all my feelings of hate towards him. i hate him so much. i hate him so much that i wish he was dead… that is the extent of how much hate i have for him. never in my life have i ever hated someone so much. and never in my life have someone hurt me so bad. i’m really very hurt now. so much hurt that all these hurt has been translated into hate.

i really don’t know what to do anymore. even though i love him a lot… there’s nothing i can do about it. even if i want to… everything and everyone else don’t want to. more importantly… he’s happy with what he has now. why bother about me? i’m just a nobody. or just a spare tyre. when the whole world turns him down, there he goes – onto ky’s arms. nobody wants you anymore. oh, don’t fret. ky is still around. someone told me,"ky, u are a nice person.. don’t ever let anyone hurt you." and bingo – the person who said that to me is the one who hurt me the most in my whole 24 years of living. no one has ever hurt me so bad. 

the empty promises that you said keep revolving in my head. every single sentence that you have ever said to me is a lie. and you lies form one after the other. how can i ever trust you? 1 day you were just calling me dear. the next day i heard you got back with your girlfriend. you said i’m not a spare tyre. if not, what am i? your actions speak stronger than your words. i know. 

i guess you are not entirely to be blamed for what is happening now. but if you did not say those lies to me… i would not have put so much hope in your words that i am in the terrible state that i am now. i would not have hated you so much. i would not have shed so much tears. 

sigh.. ever since i got to know you… my days have been very up and very down. many a time, i would hit the very bottom of my spirits. i am starting to miss the cheerful ky i have been… i am even forgetting how it feels like, to be cheerful, to be without worries… to be the happy me. i have lost happiness. do you realise how much joy you have taken away from me? i don’t feel joy anymore. 

i don’t know what to do now. i’m going to put a stop. 

stop you from entering my mind. my thoughts. my sight.

i hate u.

.

may i die today?

feel like shit

yesterday night, i puked 5 times. constipated though. went to bed with a fever. doctor diagnosed "gastric flu". that sounded serious. 

some people are quite dumb. i mentioned that i keep vomitting and they asked me "don’t tell me u’re pregnant?!" those people are usually guys. and he is one of those idiotic brainless guys who thinks i’m pregnant. instead of comforting me, throwing all the love and attention i so very need, he just teases me about me being pregnant. i hate it. 

come to think of it, i think he’s the most useless guy i’ve ever seen.

perhaps it’s because i keep thinking he really means what he says – about me always occupying his heart, about him loving me…. but it seems like all he ever does is talk about it. he doesn’t ever show it. he asked me if he was useless. at that point in time, i said no. but after that, i really feel that he is. is he of such an inferior quality that he does not practice what he preach? i hate him… i want to hate him.

i cried myself to sleep on sunday. i thought he would be calling me, but he didn’t. anyway, why would he call me? he has his gf to attend to. why bother about someone he only needs when he’s lonely? since his gf is by his side… i can jolly well go and die. who cares? nobody. he doesn’t. she doesn’t. i told him i was waiting for him to call me. he gave me a stupid excuse like.. i was waiting for you online. fucker.. if you were really waiting for someone, you would have lost your patience and called her. 

i really hate you. so so much. u’re hot and u’re cold. one moment hot, one moment cold. 

i hate you i hate you.

Market Lingo

Ever since I started working, no matter what kind of office environment, I’d always encounter incorrigible words used in the the business world. 

The most irritating word is "Revert". 

The most commonly form of "revert" used is in sentences like: 

"Please revert by 12 noon today." 

or worse: 

"Please revert back to me by tomorrow." 
(by the looks of these two sentences, revert implies ‘get back to me’. So "revert back to me" means… get back to me back to me?) 

REVERT? REVERT? REVERT?!!! 

Initially, it sounded  very very wrong. 
Oh, wait a minute. Doesn’t revert have the same meaning of undo? Like, I need this thing to be reverted back to its original state. 
Am I missing out something in all my 20 years of conversing in English? Hence, I sought the help of my friend, the Dictionary. 

Mr Dict says this: 

re·vert  intr.v.   re·vert·ed, re·vert·ing, re·verts  1.        To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief.  2.        Law To return to the former owner or to the former owner’s heirs. Used of money or property.  3.        Genetics To undergo reversion.  I stated "Initially, it sounded very very wrong" above. How about now? IT STILL SOUNDS WRONG!!!!!  Can you imagine how I had to control myself not to laugh when one of my colleagues came to me and said  "Ying, have you reverted to the managers already? Are they going to revert back to you or are they reverting back to me? Can you send an email to tell them to revert back to you and when they have reverted can you please revert back to me as well?"  *BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.*  It’s damn funny, seriously. While she was saying that, this image was going on in my head.  There are 10 managers. 7 guys and 3 girls. Suddenly, they turned into 10 of ME. Cos they REVERTED to what they were originally – 10 of ME. So they were 10 Managers one instant, and 10 MEs the other instant. And at the very last instant… there were 12 replicas of that colleague.  Another word that I can never fathom the meaning was… "Going Forward". It is used in sentences like:  "Going forward, please send in your reports by 9am"  I guess… going backwards…. you can send in your reports after 9am?  If that’s the case, I would really like "Going forward, I will be cutting your salary by 50%"  So going backwards, you’ll be increasing my salary by 50%! YES!!!  When I first started work, my colleague, whom i was gonna take over, asked me to type an email telling them to add me to their distribution list. I wrote this "dear colleagues, please add me to the distribution list from tomorrow onwards."  My dear colleague told me "change it to: Going forward, please add me to the distribution list."  I gagged. He asked me what’s wrong. I asked… what about going backwards? What becomes of me?  He rolled his eyes like I was an idiot.  But indeed! Let’s break the phrase up:  Going: to move or proceed to. as in.. i’m going to the movies.  Forward: toward of at a place, point, or time in advance. as in… let’s look forward to the long weekend in September!  Puting them together in a sentence to business parties:  As we are moving towards the start of a new instance after this sentence, please add me to the distribution list.  Can’t we just do this: As we are moving towards the start of a new instance after this sentence, please add me to the distribution list.  Or  Going forward, please add me to the distribution list.  Does adding the phrase or not make any significant difference?  Not At All.  I wonder. And I’m still wondering, which idiot thought it was cool to twist words like that.  And on a super irritating ending note:  Tomorrow, we are going forward New Zealand. Though I’m excited about taking Singapore Airlines there, I feel sick that I have to revert by Air Asia!

rotten day

what a rotten day today!

1. sprained my ankle while i was running cos the rubber of my heels were already worn off. couldn’t go movida. no free drinks either.

2. came back home and was halfway through my dinner when some idiot called and we quarelled till i went up to my room crying like shit and blaming God.

3. went back to finish my dinner and found out that my dad called an ex because i didn’t delete his number in the hp which i passed to my dad. then that ex’s girlfriend was mad cos i told her it was me, and i wasn’t even given the chance to explain it was my dad… and she hung up on me, called my ex, scolded him – who in turn called me to question my motives.

so tell me…. was it a rotten day?

optimists would say, it’s only 3 things. 

pessimists would say, you bet!

me? 

fuck it. it was rotten. i hope tomorrow will be a better day.