7th day

the whole day, i was just nervous. we kept disturbing each other, making funny sounds and scaring the shit out of each other and then laugh over it… but in actual fact we were all scared!!! we were to stay at home after 8pm. stay in our rooms, awaiting for gran’s arrival with the two hell guards. (well, this is buddhism / taoism. so… don’t critisize.) we prepared her favourite food – rojak, asam pedas, kacang ketek??, yong tau fu, popiah, soup, coffee, coke, yakult. and we sprinkled flour around the borders of the dining table. even some at the door, and at the foot of our staircase. then we all locked ourselves in our rooms, picnicing and talkin cok. my dad was horrible. he kept making funny noises – i thought he was talkin to my grandma. so time passed by.. we got tired and.. well, of course, we fell asleep.

 

it was so disappointing!! NO SIGHTINGS! she definitely kept to her word… she said she will not appear in front of us cos she knows we are just a handful of cowards. lol… but before i fell asleep i thought i heard her voice calling my name. but then again why would she, when my dad was still awake? mm. perhaps it’s my dad, or perhaps it was my illusion. then at around midnite, my dad said the light outside was off. no one in my family ever bothers turning off the light except for me and my grandma. so… mmm no idea. but this morning it was on. so perhaps my dd was pulling our legs – as usual.

 

this morning, mum went to check out the flour. no difference, no footprints – which meant two things: she either did not come home, or she floated. i prefer the latter. so we were disappointed until we saw that the rojak sticks were seperated. we placed them together. so that’s hint number one – but it is not something that gives us a positive definite confirmation that she came. then there was the rice bucket. it was filled to the brim and smoothen out. there was an imprint at the side. so that was another clue. well.. actually… we don’t know for real what actually happened…

 

i really miss her!! HOW!!!!! yesterday i was rubbing zum bak on my knee… due to a fall into the stupid drain during the funeral. it was the funniest thing one could ever see in a funeral… well… if she was here, she would hav ehelped me rub!!! if i was sick she will look after me. she physically cares for me more than my mum and dad. oh well… we have to learn to grow up one day.. and we all have to leave the 3rd dimension one day.

 

btw, her ashes look beautifully white.

i committed a sin

still can’t come to terms with it. i woke up thinking what time should i vist my grandma at the hospital – then i realised she’s at bright hill temple. sigh… whenever i look at her cupboard, i think of what she used to do. it’s like whenever i pass by every part of the house, memories just flood back.

 

my maternal grandma came back today… from her daughter’s house. she looked at me and we hugged.. then we both cried. i think she really misses my grandma a lot. though my late grandma was about 15 years older than her, she never fails to look after this grandma. she always takes food for her… sigh.

 

well. i committed a sin.

 

i always didn’t make it clear what my true feelings were. but now.. after things have toned down – with all the horrible events happening in my life… i felt that i couldn’t suppress it any longer. and i pronounced it out in the most nasty way i could ever muster. why nasty way? i really don’t know…. i didn’t know how else could i put it across with a bang…. soft ways, i’ve tried, but they weren’t of any use. i’m sorry… but i really appreciate the things u did for me. it’s just that… sometimes it’s not only the things that u do for someone that counts, it’s also some other elements that come together to bring two persons together. and somehow…. those elements are missing. i don’t know what, but there are.

 

right now…. i just want to grief over my late grandma. and live for her.

 

karma happens in one full circle, doesn’t it? if u think that u’re miserable… well…… i wil be like u one day, i’m sure. because of the way i treated u…. someone will treat me like that. but i really can’t help it. i don’t want to live a lie. it doesn’t do either of us good. i hope u will lead a happy life. life can too be happy without relationships.

 

 

 

sinner.

may fate bring us together again

never one moment shall i forget you, my dear granny. oh sheesh…. i’ve barely started my post and my eyes are starting to get moist.

 

somehow, i’ve still not really gotten over the fact that she’s dead and that she can never be near me physically. spiritually, perhaps yes… but u know, it’s always a different feeling.

 

today, she was cremated. i believe i’ve been strong for the past few days of her wake. but today… they hired a band to play for her. such sad songs they played. i was tryin to ignore the songs and just paid attention to the player’s intonation, rythm and stuff… so that i don’t get into the soul of the song. until my cousin sang to me.. i started breaking down. today was the last time i was gonna see my grandma in flesh. in her coffin, she looked so much in a deep sleep… like in a deep peaceful slumber. i keep wanting her eyes to spring open to announce to everyone "hey, i’m not dead" but well… if that happens i’ll faint, really. so i just looked at her for a long time… so the band kept playin. we did some rituals before the "road march". that was painful. we had to walk round her coffin throwing flower petals everywhere… i don’t know the significance of it but i see it as an act to purify her. don’t know… but still.. we walked… and the monk was chanting. i chanted too. she used to tell me, "whenever u’re sad, scared, or fearful… just keep chanting this chant and u’ll feel at ease…. follow me…" she would say one verse and i would repeat it. the more i chanted, the more i thought about her. she is so benovelent, so magnanimous.. i don’t think one can ever be so good. she doesn’t have money… but she goes all out to help each and every person she can. even if she doesn’t like that person…. she will still help them. she once told me "even if someone on the street, whom u didn’t know, spits on ur head, just smile, wipe it away and move on". till now… i still find it difficult to do that.

 

we used to stand together at the window, looking at funeral road marches. she would then tell me if the deceased if lucky or not, looking at the number of people trailing the van with the coffin in it…. but now….. sigh…..

 

i didn’t cry when she was pushed into the crematorium. okay, i did. but it was just for a while. i felt guilty for not crying badly. i don’t know…. i just couldn’t cry hard. after that, we picked her ashes with chopsticks. her ashes were bone crumbles… it didn’t have much fine ash… but … somehow i have this feeling that she is happy now. i looked at her photo at the crematorium.. when we were paying respects… she was smiling. u can say it’s just my imagination… but most of us felt it.

 

now… i need to convert all my energy to my last paper. i haven’t been studying at all. so grandma…. please help this grand daughter of urs, whom u know, is not good in studies. please help her 🙂 i luv u gramms.

where u belong

i’m glad u listened… but at least u are no longer suffering. 🙂

can u at least… look at me, please?

things are getting worst. she doesn’t move much. not even her fingers. she ignores every single one of us, drifting in and out of consciousness. i don’t even know if she is conscious… she doesn’t respond when i pinch her, hit her nor put a lot of pressure on her fingers, legs, wherever. she is like…. i don’t know. it just doesn’t feel right.

 

no signs on struggle, no signs of pain, no signs of anythin. i guess she’s tired, she’s given up.

 

i too… i guess, have resigned to fate.

 

since i was 16, i told myself to treasure the moments with her… i did. whenever she wanted to talk to me, i listened… she would caress me and talk to me at the same time. about our family, about her family, about her past – everything. she taught me to be a better person… i have yet learnt some of the principles she taught me… i have always expressed my interest to learn cooking from her. nonya dishes – ayam buah keluak, achar, asam, blend our family’s secret curry recipe, watever; to learn how to make and wrap rice dumplings… there were so many things i could learn from her… but i never took it seriously. i always thought there was time. and "next time" finally.. has became… last time.. or perhaps… our next lifetime. if my next lifetime, i want u to be my grandma again.

 

i already miss the way u laugh, miss the way u always hit my butt and say that i’m fat. i miss u already… i can’t imagine what will happen when u’re gone. the bedroom is empty without u.

 

if someone has spiritual powers, i hope they will come to ur dreams to tell u what i want u to know…

i really love u a lot, i don’t know if u know it. but i do… u’re the best grandma one can ever deserve. if u have to go, please go peacefully, i will not blame u. just don’t forget that i am ur grand daughter.

“strangle me”

that’s what she kept askin the staff to do to her.

 

"feed me lots of medicine, so i can die"

 

"i don’t want to go home anymore. i just want to die"

 

she’s so suicidal now… she must be in agony, in pain, in distress. the pain is probably too much for her to bear.

 

at such an age… she can’t even enjoy food, nor can she even drink. it sucks, i’m sure…

 

whole day, she was struggling so much, fighting with the staff, throwing tantrums.. but she did not bother acknowledging anyone.

 

SIGH!!! well… i’d better do my best to accomodate her, to visit her.. while it’s still possible, eh?

kinship

just when she’s about to be discharged…… she almost died that morning. her bp dipped to a low. too low to be comfortable with. the doc called to say that she should be sent to icu.. but lookin at her groaning in pain whenever she have tubes stuck into her nose, throat, veins, they decided not to do it and to try to make her as comfortable as possible… before she bids this world goodbye. it’s not that i’m pessimistic or what… but sometimes.. when one has to go, she has to go.. right?

 

she was pissed yesterday.. cos now, she doesn’t need an oxygen tube to breathe anymore. she needs an oxygen mask, with a maximum input of oxygen.. with the tube, she just needed like 20% of oxygen. now it’s 100% and she isn’t gettin the oxygen very well. now she is nil by mouth. has a tube inserted through her nose which goes to her throat.. where she is fed through. lookin at her like that… i feel a pinch in my heart. but what can i do?

 

not only is her condition causing a heart wretch…. the actions of my cousin is making me disgusted. when it comes to a time like this, shouldn’t we all forget our differences, our grudges.. and come united? well apparently, this isn’t happening and it’s making me very uncomfortable. so is this what we call materialism and reality? to look at people, even ur relatives, in a different light because of what they possess? that’s so childish. sigh.

 

nah i’m not pessimistic. i just feel disappointed. we were so close… used to stay over at her mum’s place when i was young. she used to come over when i grew older and after she got married. but after some incident…. yeah involving money… she and her mum has since distanced from the family. it’s very sad. sometimes my gran cry at night thinkin about the soured relationship between herself and her daughter and granddaughter. it’s sad.

 

okay on the brighter side of things, i have an exam on 8th june! lol. how bright is that! okay how about this… i have a television in my room and i’m spending all my time glued to the tv! and this – i found a job, i’m working for my aunt! as a web / flash designer and a researcher? but i bet i’ll be bound to doin web/flash for 99% of the time!

 

lately……….

 

fat is the new slim…

 

 

 

it’s NOT.. apparently, it is nowhere near there.

happy

today is such a happy and eventful day for me. lol! i find happiness amidst the exam period. how cool is that?!

 

good news! my grandma will be discharged on monday, if nothing goes wrong! i can’t wait for her to share the other half of the bed!!! i miss her presence! hence… we went to shop for an oxygen tank. managed to rent one. and also shopped for that kinda wheelchair where u can do ur business on it. yeah… i’m pretty excited about her coming back. but i have my fears too. u know… some elderly do not like to pass away in the hospital. i fear that when she comes back, she might just pass away – at home. i’m not scared of her coming back after she’s dead or just dying at home… i just don’t want to lose her so soon.

 

i almost cried today. why? out of jealousy. it’s been more than a month since she got warded. and i’ve been visiting her almost everyday. and i don’t receive any signs of love from her.. until today, i saw her pulling my cousin to her and giving her a kiss.. then i complained. i asked her why do all her grandchildren get kisses except for me when i’m the only one who always visits her! so she gave me one… haha i was pleased! but mmm i don’t know. i still feel sad that i don’t get recognised for my efforts. oh well…..

 

i got a new handphone line too. m1 student plan. got sick of my previous number. but i’m not holding a new phone now, if u’re thinkin about it. lol. it’s with my dad. a k618i. i’m waiting for the w660i or the n76. cna’t decide.

 

i’ve been missing this particular orange cat for quite a while…. the first time i saw it, it circled around me…. rubbed itself against my legs. it was so sweet…. so i’ve been looking for it around my neighbourhood but have never been able to spot it. today, i spotted it…. on a window ledge of one of the units on the 3rd level of sebastian’s block. it was sitting there!!!! finally found it! lol.. glad it has a home! there were 2 more cats sitting there. what a sight! that truly made my day.

 

i accepted to work for my aunt. therefore………………. end of freedom for me. lol. if not for the money… and actually, kinship, or is that uhm family-ship? i dunno. it’s called kinship rite? yeah kinship… i wouldn’t have worked for her. it’s tremendously pressurising! well i ahve to many things on my list that i want to do….

 

1. start german lessons

2. start gyming

3. get a strip of blonde across my hair

4. upgrade my ram

5. upgrade my computer

6. visit uk

7. visit ankhor wat

 

that’s about it.

what good is justice?

when there are professional people who play around the boundaries of law.

 

isn’t it ironic when just because of small gains, or whatever benefits we want to get, we try to get around the law, but not actually breakin the law? well.. we might be just bullying someone else by doing that and….. i happen to be on the losing end of the line.

 

fuck! i just received an email:

dear ying, DR. "xxx" has assumed ownership of the cheque books. it will be best if you can contact him directly.

 

just a while ago, perhaps a week or two, i received a mail from DR. "xxx":

dear ying, thank you for your email. i believe that your charges include some modifications which i will inform you. please contact me when u are free. of course, your invoice will be settled IN DUE COURSE.

 

so yah… "in due course" actually means…… WHEN WE SQUEEZE ALL THE RESOURCES OUT OF U. stupid idiot. and to think they are a LAW firm. fuck?! yeah what’s 600 dollars to ANY business for that matter, much less, a law firm? damn. they really practice bad ethics don’t they? no wonder people are full of praise and disgust for indian lawyers. good as they are, they’re cunning and unscrupulus. well, which is why they’re good la!!! motherfuckers.

 

i spent 6 hours editing pages… and i have to delete 3 hours of work when one left the firm….. and i deleted it without charging him BECAUSE i wanted to get my pay asap. and now that i’ve done it for free, i have to still wait for like wat, wait till my boobs touch my belly button?! perhaps i should tell them "HEY, DO YOU KNOW I SPENT 3 HOURS EDITING A SINGLE FILE WHICH U HAVE WONDERFULLY PROVIDED – A WHOPPING 160 PAGES?? AND NOW I HAVE TO DELETE ALL OF IT FOR FREE?? DO U KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST? well, just 50 DOLLARS. BUT FUCK. I’M JUST A STUDENT! AND U TOLD ME TO RUSH THE PROJECT, I TOLD U I HAD EXAMS, U SAID PLEASE TRY. WELL I TRIED AND I DID IT ASAP, AND U HOLD ON TO MY PAYMENT. WTF?!" lol but again, perhaps i might have overreacted. but man, money makes u lose ur ability to think logically. and it takes whatever kindness out of you.

 

so there u go. i’m fuming mad cos i have to wait for like a month to get 600 dollars??!!! shit. i’m so unhappy!

they just want me dead

uol is obviously out to kill us all for not allowing us to bring in scientific calculators for ANY examination. how are we suppose to calculate tons and tons of mathematically intensive equations in a short span of 3 hours for that many questions? they’re obviously out to kill ME. i did not realise the importance of a scientific calculator – until now.

 

i have always used the scientific calculator to calculate my pies, my trigonometry my watever. i’m just really bad at math k. now? i can’t do anything but punch in numbers. do they find that our lives is not hard enough and they want to add some stress into our lives by taking away our precious scientific calculator??!!! I’M NOT EINSTEIN!!! sob sob sob.

 

well… what to do. regulations, REGULATIONS!!!!! urgh. i bet they’ll remove this requirement next yr – cos it’s dumb. and they’ll just see many people doing badly. wlel… THE PAPERS BETTER BE EASY THIS YR THEN!!!!!