first day to the gym after much procrastination. i’ll show my friends that i’ll do it, and do even better to make them regret not joining my gym. lol. i really feel childish that i got so affected by them not joining me. but oh well…. people have their own lives, and i should probably stop trying to be someone important in their lives.
you know, i like to be one whom everyone will look for to talk, i like to be around. but it got really tired… so tired that i wanna stop being the kindest soul around.
today my mum came back with a complaint. so many things have been happening in her life and both of us, for a first time, are actually struggling with people problems. like mother like daughter, they say. whatever good genes she planted in me, i’m thankful. along with those genes comes the "cannot refuse" genes which both of us hate it. we were talking about friendship when i revealed how angry and disappointed i was with people whom i call my buddies. she too.. told me about one of her friends whom our family is very close to – in the past. my mum keeps her friends in her mind – all the time. when she sees something her friend will like, she buys them.. or when a job opportunity arises, she’ll introduce her housewife friend to it. she goes through great lengths to help her friend… i guess i’m somewhat like her.. but what did the both of us get? we didnt win a valuable friendship. my mum told me… it isnt wrong to have friends. it’s just too wrong to trust your friends and to put your whole heart and soul into a friendship. you end up getting hurt most of the time. that, i totally agree.
lately, i’ve been losing faith in my religion. you know what has been the one and only reason to be buddhist? well… it’s basically because i want to remain chinese, like totally chinese. as much as i hate my language, i want to be as asian as i can. and christianity is such a foreign religion. i’m sily… cos there isnt any racial boundaries in christianity – or any religion so to speak. anyway… i thought about the things that has been happening around me – as a buddhist. technically, i am buddhist. but in reality, i guess i’m pretty much a taoist, so are most "buddhists". i think if i were entirely buddhist, i wouldn’t be plagued with silly problems like friendship. i really wish to lead a life that’s peaceful and nice, and to be able to let go. being truly buddhist, i think, is really difficult. it’s so unreachable. on the contrary, christianity is within my reach. i have friends who are christians… and with all these shit happening in my life now, i begin to lose my faith and stray towards another God. which god, i suppose, i’m pretty sure. i’m just not sure when will i truly step into the religion and get involved. i’m hesitating… because if my gran dies.. i want to be able to mourn for her, in the way she will like best – the traditional buddhist way. not that she doesnt like me believing another god…. i just want to be there for her. my mum has started to reach out to god, which is good…. i guess i’ll be reaching out to him soon… when the time comes.. i guess i’ll know for sure. i’m looking forward to the day where i can find peace in my heart and direction when i need.
i didn’t mention why the sudden change…. and me losing my faith.
2 people… who said they could converse with deities… came into our home and made ammendments. feng shui, they call it. a change in the placement of household furnitures and a placement of deities would suggest a change of fortune. unfortunately, that day never seemed to come. before these 2 people came to my house, i was very happy worshipping that statue. i felt her presence, i felt like i had a god. after these 2 people asked us to change the statue… i dont feel that strong presence anymore. it felt like an empty home, and i had no direction in life. other than that, i noticed the behaviour of devout christians. they were different from buddhists, or rather, free thinkers and taoists. they seem to have a heart made of gold… they treated people around them with love, care and kindness. there didnt appear to be any liars who preached wrong teachings in christianity. in taoism, there seemed to be many conmen around.. buddha taught us the way of life, but nobody seemed to remember. jesus probably taught us a way of life too…. but all the christians remembered. is there something wrong with this religion education? nobody knows the teachings of buddha well enough to behave humanly. oh anyway….. i guess i’ll be extremely buddhist, or extremely christian. i’ll wait.. i’ll just wait… when the time comes, i’ll know for sure. don’t persuade me.. especially u bran… i’ll get confused.
– yet another irritating, annoying task.
L.I.F.E. 