heartbeat

thump.thump.thump. anyone home?

 

Lover: A friend; one strongly attached to another; one who greatly desires the welfare of any person or thing.

 

but that does not mean anything in my context. being a friend, i shouldn’t poke my nose too much into people’s affairs if they don’t desire to let things be known. so i should just be contented… and accept the way things are – not to question, not to guess. just enjoy the time we spend together. that way, i’ll emerge a happier person.

 

somebody kill this curious cat!

 

sigh.. tomorrow i have to meet my 2 new colleagues. yucks…. well not yucks but… i’m so not in the mood to get to know new people. and what’s more, i’ll have to carry 2 laptops together with their adapters to republic plaza.. which is not near the mrt station…. i THINK. oh well… what’s gotta be done, has to be done. isn’t it? be complacent! stop complaining.

 

why am i in those depressive moods of mine again? i got mood swing. i’m worried. i’m flighty. i’m nervous. i’m frustrated. i’m annoyed. i’m every aspect – a negative.

 

 

as friends, or lovers

You asked for the honest truth, and you got it. And sometimes the truth hurts! how true.

 

oh, i’m such a stupid fool!!! bet you must be thinking that i’m stupid too… sigh…

 

i think i’m feeling depressed because of "The Weeping Camel" shown on Arts Central just now. It’s pretty sad…. that a child would be rejected by his mother. then they performed some rituals… played some music, sang… until the mother was touched… and the camel cried. it really did. tears kept rolling down its eyes. she finally accepted the child.

 

what must i do to be exclusive? i guess, nothing. what must i do to be non-exclusive? nothing too… as i’m already non-exclusive. sigh. i’m such a weakling.

 

you are my song that never ends, you will go on and on my friend…

i accept.

slowly coming to terms with my job… but well. that’s the status for today…

 

but sometimes it’s very tiring. like for instance, this live video streaming that i’m doing…. i did it like 8 – 10 months ago… and i don’t remember a single thing about it anymore. suddenly, i have to do it again because some smart alec deleted the file…. and i have no idea how to make it back. give me back my brains! god….. 😦 feel so stupid.

 

yesterday, i almost tendered my resignation after my…. official first day of work. haha.. that is how bad my tolerance is. i really have no idea why someone likes to call me like when i’m just about to knock off…. when i knock off… after i knock off.. before dinner… after dinner… before bedtime. and all that person does is nag, complain, nag, complain. when does it ever stop??!!! shucks… this is really bad. it gets as bad as this. then, there are comments that u are incompetent for this job and that u are wasting the company’s money. it really makes u super demoralized. so demoralised, you don’t really want to go on. it’s like so tiring trying to prove urself, trying to sorta challenge ur own limits and yet get crushed. crushed to nothing.

 

it is so difficult.

 

but on another perspective, i just take it as i’m stupid and slow and inefficient. sob sob…

 

since i’m so bad… hopefully i get fired.

 

oh. wait a minute. i just said.. I ACCEPT. so why am i going back to the I DON’T ACCEPT thinking??!!!!

:(

i promised myself not to complain to my mum no matter what. today i still did. u’re a loser, ke ying. and it’s making ur mum very upset.

 

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i really HATE it when people say things they don’t really mean. it’s like you ask me out, then the next moment u say let’s not meet. and it not only happens once, it happened twice, thrice, many times. if you don’t mean something, then don’t fucking open your mouth and ask me!!!! u’re as good as farting. you don’thave to come up with a suggestion just so that u can make me happy. but what’s the point if you’re not sincere? it affects me even more.

 

what a shit day this has been…

 

i believe in love too much and i’m filled with too much optimism about relationships that…….. i get hurt all the time. sigh. i really wish there’s someone there to hold me, and to spend my time with… to have nice conversations with.. to put down any protective walls and be completely at ease with… i guess it’s too much to ask huh.

complaint queen

days without complaining: 1.

 

days survived: 2.

 

so my guess is on average, i will probably complain everyday as long as someone steps on my toes.

 

highly irritated.

 

sometimes when i cross the road, i wish i will get knocked down by a car.

sometimes when i walk parallel to the drain, i wish someone will push me down the drain.

sometimes when i sleep, i wish i never wake up again.

sometimes when i bathe, i wish i faint and lay there unconscious with a broken skull.

sometimes when i stand by the window, i wish that i will fall out suddenly.

 

and fuck, my phone is ringing on my off day. third time already, and it’s only 10.18am. i worked till like 4am last night! bloody shit! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

 

can you imagine someone as mean as this?! i say, fuckin hell, slave driver! the best part is… i can’t fucking quit. i guess i have to keep doing things so that i get fired.

just that none of these attempts over the past 3 years have worked. PLEASE FIRE ME!!!!!! UR EMPLOYMENT IS JUST ABOUT AS BAD/GOOD AS AN ASYLUM. LIKE BOOT CAMP, LIKE P.O.W. we get a little bit – mental.

luv u, mum

what you had to go through your whole life, is what i have gone through for just a month of my life. i can’t imagine how much you have suffered. you indeed, have led a pretty sad life… trying to take care of everyone, putting everyone’s needs ahead of yours. you are truly one selfless person… and that’s why i celebrate mother’s day, and not father’s day. lol.. my dad asked me why do i put so much effort into mother’s day but not into father’s day…. i don’t know, but i think my mum has gone through more hardship than my dad… and i think my mum is really strong… to be able to withstand that much pressure and hardship. and yet be able to face everyday so positively….. without any complaints. i salute u.

 

i guess i shouldn’t keep complaining in her face too…. she is already stressed as it is. and now she’s like the piece of ham stuck between two pieces of bread…. she can’t lose both sides…. thus i think the only logical thing i should do is to swalow my pride and just try to bite my way through these 2 months. 2 months…. time will fly. hopefully. may i be able to cope with whatever shit that flies my way and still live. 🙂 u’re my role model, mom!

 

sometimes when i think about how she’s suffered… i feel like crying. how can a woman go through so much and stay optimistic???? it’s amazing….

bear with it!

for just 2 months…. and one day it’s already too hard to bear.

 

i don’t know what’s with me…. it’s like whenever i hear your voice i feel like throwing buns at u. and my blood pressure rises whenever i hear your voice. sometimes i really wish i can just get knocked down by a car, or fall into a drain and land into hospital… so u’ll know how much u affect me. i don’t understand why am i always forced to do things i don’t wish to do, don’t want to bother myself with, and don’t know how to do. and i’m always blamed for not delivering. how the fuck can i deliver when i am 3 of the above?! okay if i knew how to do, i would wish to do, and will bother doing. but i DON’T!!!!!

 

again.. 2 months. just two months.

 

today, i met up with my younger aunt’s friend. he’s a financial advisor. aka. insurance agent. hmmm speaks with a drawl…. don’t reallylike the way he speaks. sound like so lazy or somethin like that… and he kept saying GE as Great Eastern. i think i have something against Great Eastern. to me, GE is always General Electric… and not great eastern!

 

sometimes, i feel kinda empty. what would i do if one day my ex marries and tell me i’m still the one he yearns? i think it’d be very emotional…. sometimes, i still yearn for him…. though he was quite mean to me when we were together… but he was quite sweet as well. those were happy, crazy times. but alas, now they belong to someone else’s because i didn’t know how to treasure him. but then again… i couldn’t stand the verbal assaults. i wouldn’t be happy anyway…. so time to move on.

 

but i guess, for now.. the saddest thing is to know that a guy u love and adore so much is married already. but by the time u knew it, it’s already too late. u’re already at the point of no return.

 

don’t know why, suddenly everything just seems like a mist…. like smoke, gone with the wind.

flying on a jet plane – not!

today, i’m suppose to fly to usa. but alas, it’s not happening. haha… might be a blessing in disguise. or maybe not, considering the circumstances of me pulling out of the programme.

 

anyways….. today is jwo’s 4th day at grand canyon.. and she is so heartless!!! haven’t sent us an email to let us know whether she’s well or unwell!!! naughty girl!!! must be busy then…. wonder how she is… hmmmm 😦

 

monday, i went with qx to sentosa. still suffering from the after-effects of sunbathing without sunblock! well i had sunblock on… but i only had it on my face. i forgot about the other parts of my body thinking that i have enough melanin to counter sunburn since i was naturally darker. but i was wrong, obviously. you can be dark and still get sun burnt! okay so in the evening we went to watch songs of the sea. it was quite nice, the effects.. but the story line was not too good i feel… it’s like they scripted the effects first then added the story in kinda thing… but still worth the money. $8.

 

 

 

 

 

 

still feeling a lil sore about my secondary school concert. was playing witht he alumni band… we practiced really hard. MAYBE… but i think i practiced quite hard. and know how we fared??? WE PLAYED WORST THAN THE MAIN BAND. in my honest opinion… we didn’t rehearse, we didn’t warm up… we just reached the hall at 6.30pm and went to perform at 9:40pm. it was very very bad. and i even spent like $25 on taxi ride to get there so that i wouldn’t get locked out?! i thought we were going to rehearse too… but NO. nothing was done. just tuning. at some point in time the band actually sounded… SILENT. as if no one was playing… sigh. never mind! it’s over. but for sure i’m going to miss band… i really love the feeling of playing in a band. kinda regret not continuing music after secondary school. i think it’s because of my friend la… she kept giving me sarcastic remarks like "how come u still go back to ur band?" it’s like…. it’s totally uncool to join band??? anyway, she’s just a bimbo. but too bad… i was silly enough to get affected by her remarks. anyways… it’s in the past.

 

i’m working today. and i just realised…. it’s like throughout the "lifetime" of this job, i’ve been changing pixels almost everyday. we get calls from the boss.. "hey, the mailbox module is ONE PIXEL off-center. can you please make it aligned" or.. "can you move the main component ONE PIXEL down?" wtf.. that kinda shit requests, for like……. FOREVER. it’s so stupid. i think my job title should be "Professional Pixel Changer". I think i’ve already reached the level where i can look at one area and tell u its height. in pixels. have you ever used a ruler to measure your screen? I do that everyday. 0.3cm = 10pixels. crazy! and everyday i still keep asking myself why am i doing this. why am i still here. nuts.

 

 

 

sigh. i was born into a miserable life.

all i did was to try to defer working till next week. and i got a violent response. sometimes i really hate….. i don’t know who to hate. myself? or someone else. for landing myself in the state that i am now.

 

can’t that person see how good things were? why does that person have to once again drag me into the same old things and make things sour again?! this is like so illogical. i’m so sick and tired of it all! i haven’t smile THE WHOLE DAY. how can ke ying, famous for her killer smiles, NOT SMILE???!!!! THIS IS SO NOT HER. i think i should just commit suicide. seriously, i’m better off playing catching with ah mah than FUCK!!!!!!! putting up with this earthly shit. 4 years already. 4 years of torment. from industry to industry, i’m not let go. FUCK!!!!!

bo liao

ahha.. so many activities!!! and i bought so many things – all on credit. but i dread the end of the month when i have to face the music and try to vomit out the amount i owe my dad. and not mentioning that damned insurance!! okayh well, the insurance wouldn’t be damned if something happens to me of course. *touch wood*

 

i met up with this really cool girl…. and well yeah she seems good. hope she’s good! lol…

 

today, i didn’t get to practice much on my euphonium… hopefully i can get home early enough to make a racket out of the neighbourhood and not get reported to the police. stupid neighbours downstairs, calling the police for the slightest disturbances. i think if one day i were to have sex while jumping on the floor, they’d call the police too. hell knows how does that occur?!!!

 

i just can’t get enough of little donut… he’s absolutely adorable, and today he was trying to get to know crystal while she just ran far away from him. lol.. and i have a feeling donut might try to imitate sweetiepie’s barking! donut was doing some weird sound that sounds like a bark the whole night. i just luv the both of them…. well. birds may be small, and their brains are small.. but they’re really smart eh!

 

bo liao.