925

i had a peculiar dream last night. the details go something like that…

 

my boyfriend proposes to me with a diamond ring.. i reject him, cos i felt that we weren’t meant to be together. 2 months pass…. and i realised i love him. a few of us friends wanted to register our marriage together. i think 8 of us… we wanted to get married on this particular date, 25.09… and i wanted to consult my boyfriend. we went out together one day, and saw him carrying a bag of dried crysanthemums. asked if it was for me, and he said no… i thought, alright.. and we went to try on wedding gowns. i was wearing this tiara.. and i asked him if he loved me. he brought me aside and held my hands.. and told me…. "we’re not meant to be… i’m marrying xxx"… now, i thought.. how am i going to carry on with my wedding… i cried…

 

and i woke up.

 

saw the lottery numbers…. one of them was 9725.. that’s like 925 plus the 8 of us… but i couldnt get married, so it became 7. oh watever, it isn’t very important.

 

but i hope such an unfortunate event wont happen to me…… maybe i should start treasuring guys that come my way? but didn’t they say that dreams are opposite of reality? now i’m hoping what they say is true….

 

ashish went back to india today.. it’s a pity.. ashish is such a nice person, such a nice friend. he can talk so much, it makes me at ease…. wonder when will i ever see him again. on the other hand, i dont wanna see this particular indian anymore.. i dont wanna see cookie ever… i hate him.

 

life has been pretty fucked up lately…. never fell into a pit as deep as this for a long time. haa (bitter chuckle) isn’t that good, for a change?

“love you, hun”

i hate it when you say this. especially when i found out that you say this to so many girls. how can you ever bring yourself to say it so readily, so easily?

 

cos u’re a playboy.

 

i dont want you to touch me anymore. go away from me.

nothing is ever good enough

i know you dote on me the most, loved me like your own… but to you, nothing is ever good enough.

 

i can plough through the mountains, grit my teeth through each impossible task that was handed to me, but that is never enough.

 

i know the range of beautiful and precious things you brought into my life, and i remember them. they are fond memories, and pleasant displays in my photo albums, my wardrobe, my display cupboards. but what can i do, for you to say "good. this is good enough"?

 

i love you like my own too… but sometimes, i wish you don’t push me so hard. sometimes i wonder if you’re just pushing me around, or are you pushing me hard, like you have claimed to be doing? i’m comfortable with working on deadlines, but uncomfortable when you come to me each and everyday even before the deadline is here. can’t you fking trust me? i know u’re rushing for your own deadline but i hope you understand that i’m not working for you full time, and i’m trying my best to do whatever i can for you. what i hate most, is that you keep blaming me for delaying the deadlines. i wish you would remember what you say all the time. you said the deadline was friday, and i did what you asked me to do by friday. on friday, you added new stuff. i tried to complete your stuff. but you did not give a deadline, so i thought i couldnt take my time. i completed it on sunday. sunday, you added a new set of requirements. i set work at it straightaway, knowing that i can’t work on it on monday through tuesday because i have already committed myself to the bbq gathering which i have planned about a month ago. still, it is within the deadline. the worst thing is, i fking hate it when you ask me "when can you ever finish my work"….. when you told me the deadline was tuesday, and now you claim that i was suppose to finish things by friday – i would, if i had a time machine. how can a task be completed before you give me the instructions, you tell me?

 

people have limits. i’m sure your tolerance level is much less than people around. you make people cringe at the sound of you, at the sight of you. i hope you have EVER realised that. i know i made you cry because i shouted at you. and i know that it’s wrong… and i’m totally ashamed now, and embarrassed at the whole situation. but the point is…. can you don’t eat your words and ask me to complete tasks before you even assign any task to me? i’m not God. even God might not have read your mind, given your fidgety as a woman. your unreasonable tacts make my heart wrench. i’ve never seen anyone more unreasonable as you. i love and hate you at the same time. i love you for loving me so much, and i hate you for being one kickass unreasonable bitch.

 

do you know what i really wanted to be? i had really wanted, in all my heart, to be a good xxxxx. i really tried. i wish to prove to you that i can handle whatever task you give me. but you never allowed me the chance to. neither did you allow anyone, for that matter.

 

all in all, i would really like to love you and forget all your bad traits. i hope God can help me do that – if there is really a God out there.. i need help.