i hate…

i think i feel a lot of rage these days. lol….

 

fuel my rage, people! someone told me that i was born under the influence of mars. and therefore my temper is as hot as the planet mars – planet nearest to the sun. i think nobody knows that my temper is like that except for my family. mum always says of me,"you squeak like a mouse outside and roar like a lion at home." haha… no no, if you’re interested in me, i will always be meek like a lamb. LOL. how superficial.. and may i say, diplomatic! haha

 

alright… rage bombardment1: i went for a haircut. and i’ve always trusted this hairdresser. she always gave me nice haircuts. but i found out she can’t really cut "thinnified" hair. she used a blade to cut my hair, not scissors! well she did use scissors, but it was only for 1/8 of the hair. 7/8 was cut using the offending blade, and now my hair is like grass. i probably was wheatgrass – long and smooth. now? i’m like mimosa. short and spiky. and i really really hate thin fringes. i miss my thick fringe. and she still says it’s nice!!! it’s only nice in the eyes of AUNTIES!!!!! now i look like a fking butch. i’ve lost all feminity. all hope is lost.

 

rage bombardment2: no, this isn’t so much of an impact. i have been spending like a whole day practicing matrices.. and it is a darn stupid topic!!! i spent 3 hours working on ONE SINGLE QUESTION.. though it was 5 parts. but i spent 3 hours working on iT!!! why do we need to know matrices anyway??? aren’t there software to help us in future?! irritating.

 

my hair and matrices were bugging me. i felt angry when i couldn’t solve the question. then i touched my hair and i got even more angry!!! i pulled at my hair till it hurt. and subsequently, after many times of pulling, headache struck me. and i went to bed. GET ME A WIG!!!!!

 

well, nice surprise yesterday. kinda funny cuz i was thinking of my aunt.. who’s in the states. but i didn’t call her. lost her number. but she called me! affinity? lol… i was genuinely surprised. well, actually i thought she’d call me to ask about work. but no… she just said she missed me! ahha.. what a pleasant surprise. i thought i’ve fallen out of her favour! cos i was such a spoilt bitchy brat. i ruined her days countless times and get away scot free. yeah so.. she said she bought me some jackets. nice… appreciate. then the best thing was… at the end of the conversation, she told me "thanks. i’ve got my food." then i said.. u going to eat only now? midnight? she said, no.. u’re my food. i feel better after speaking with you. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww AUNT!!!!

 

chinese new year is coming. i always loathe chinese new year. i’m crowd shy. sometimes i’ll just lay in bed the whole day pretending to sleep though i’m not asleep. i don’t like to entertain people at my house. it’s rude…. but sometimes.. i don’t know. there’s a certain degree of superficiality in it. we contact each other once a year. and it’s during chinese new year. so it’s like…… hmmmm dunno. quizzical.

 

sometimes i wish that i can just erase certain memories from my mind bank. but i can’t. no one can… can anyone?? lol… it’s excruciatingly painful.. having to remember such memories.

where’d ur manners go?!

today, i was in a very foul mood because of this stupid woman at sp33dwing.

 

went there to hand up and to pay my application fee for the work and travel programme. so there was this woman, a staff from the agency who was helping with the application. she…. is the legendary bitch i’ve heard from my friends. my friends told me that there’s this woman who was really rude, really bitchy. and i didn’t think there would be someone like that cos the last time i went there, the people were quite nice. but today… ha ha! i met the real mcCoy. spoke with a slang – a slang so bad, she’d be better off speaking singlish. then she was practically throwing things at people. like, someone dropped her passport outside the office. and she picked it up, asked who the passport belonged to, and threw it on the table in front of that poor girl. it’s not as if she purposely dropped her passport right? besides, can’t she just PUT it on the table instead of throwing it? it’s not like she’s working at the casino giving out cards, right? stupid bitch! then.. she was checking through my sheets of forms and threw each paper on the table. even flung my passport onto the table. FUCK! i opened my mouth to say something, but i bit my tongue again. what if she made sure my visa couldn’t get through and that i wouldn’t be refunded my money? stupid bitch. where did her manners go to man? okay, even if u were an agency, must you treat people this way? hello, i paid $1500 to join this programme and this is how you treat us? you don’t even have the most basic form of courtesy. how can you work in the service industry?!!! actually, all i wanted to do, was to ask her "where’s ur godamn manners? cos u are goddamn rude. are u violent in nature? cos if u are, u’d be better off working at the slaughter house." urgh stupid bitch!! lol i really wanted to slap her there and then. i don’t know about the others at the table, but i was really hot with anger.

 

okay on the lighter side of things, i went to visit my favourite clara. haha.. as happy as always. i always laugh a lot and forget my worries whenever i visit her 🙂 thanks a lot, my dear. luv u loads. haha…

 

hmmm i can’t think of anything else to blog on…..

a trip down memory lane

ah ah today was truly nostalgic.

 

met up with my dear friend today. haven’t seen her for so long.. so we chatted alot. talked about what happened in the past…. what is happening to our friends whom i no longer contact… it was just like before, them good old days.. i can never forget.

 

then.. i came home… and my dad was fiddling with his video collection and i decided to watch drumline, for like the 10th time now. i really love that movie. it reminds me of them good ole days where i was still in the band… the feeling of being in a band is a very satisfying feeling. u play in a band, u don’t feel like u are an individual, but the whole band is one individual. "one band, one sound". nobody is an individual. we all come together to make the band sound like a unique individual. i love making music. it’s as estatic as making love. lol… even though i can play the piano, or blow the trumpet (which i’m bad in cos i’m not trained in the trumpet)… it’s still very much different fron sitting in a group of say , 40 odd people and playing different tunes to the same piece of music.

 

actually it hink i usually live in the past. i don’t think about present situations a lot, but i hold on to the event that have happened in the past a hell lot. i don’t think if this is good or bad, but i think it isn’t very healthy. just like my dad.. he lives in his past. everyday, he’d dance to the music of elvis presley doing the jive and flings this imaginary woman around. thne he’s talk about his previous girlfriends… talk about his life when he was young – going for tea parties, cinemas…. i think he’s got quite a colourful life! but well… usually i’ll chuckle and say that he lives in his past. but actually i’m like that too. lol.

perspectives

i think throughout the years i have became not a better person, but a more
evil person.

 

it just dawned on me how much i have changed over the years because of the
person sitting behind me.

 

there’s this young man behind me, whom, i think he is intellectually
challenged. i got kinda of annoyed by his fidgeting in his chair even though he
is behind me and not beside me. he kept singing in an awful tune and kept
laughing in a sinister way. and he made very funny noises. i got really annoyed
and plucked on my earphones. so that i wouldn’t notice him.

 

then…. i realised that i would never do such a thing when i was
younger.

 

when i was younger, i don’t know if it’s because of my naivity and
innocence that God made everyone the same, I never picked on anyone’s faults. I
always felt that everyone was the same and I should treat everyone the same way.
If I ever came across someone who was disabled, especially a mentally disabled
person, I would always smile, sometimes envious that in a world like this, some
people still have their childhood innocence in them, forever living in a world
of their own, where probably.. they will always experience happiness. and
nothing but happiness. And I would smile. Even if they made funny noises or
fidgeted around, I would never ever get annoyed. Because I always looked past
their imperfections.

I used to get into fights and quarrels a hell lot because a friend started calling an indian names. Names that I thought were nasty. But now? I don’t anymore.

Then recently, there was once where a woman had just emerged from the cubicle and I went in behind her. That woman didn’t seem decent. Well, I don’t know what was it about her for me to label her as "indecent".. but it was as if I didn’t want to share the toilet seat with her and I proceeded to rub the toilet seat clean and while I was doing that, I put a mental note that I should purchase a disinfectant for circumstances like this.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I used to stand up against racism, or any kinds of discrimination, for that matter. So much that my friends called me "Racial mascot". I’m 1/8 mixed by the way.. and also because sometimes, I’m at the receiving end of size discrimination – and it sucks. YET, I wonder how can I ever bring myself to do and think of a thing like that. Recently I’ve really been segregating and steering myself away from people whom I feel is indesireable and that I will not want to be near them. I think this is at an unhealthy level already. I can understand why I dislike indians – because I have had bad experiences with a few i got very close with. But I know that not all of them are like that – my best friend is indian – and to cross them out like that is just not fair. This will have to be my priority new year resolution – to treat everyone equally.

I’ve been feeling utterly depressed after reading this novel. But it kinda stirs a part of my heart.. just that I don’t know how, and why. I feel like I don’t really belong in this century. I feel like I’m suppose to be a thousand years old and I might be happier living in some Chinese dynasty. Or even in the days of monarchy. Ha! Dream on baby… dream on….

Sometimes also, I feel that perhaps death is really an alternative. You might perhaps not feel anything at all. Or perhaps you might be happy everyday… or you could be tormented everyday, making up for the mistake u have committed in your previous life. Well, everything is a big question mark.

Why is it that sometimes we continue to commit the same mistakes over and over again knowing that it’s wrong? It’s really silly… ha. getting depressed aren’t i? I’ll have to start feeling happy… depression doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

3rd day into the year!!!

and depression sinks in.

lol, how encouraging!

but i think somehow reality IS depressing.

firstly, my new year resolution was to start dieting and losing weight, right? WELL… i didn’t carry out my plan today. so, i told my mum and everyone else in the family "tomorrow is a brand new day, another effort". lol.. how long do such resolutions last man!

then.. i came online and my friend was telling me how upset he was because his buddy has an Ultima credit card, and he doesn’t; how much money his buddy has, as compared to him. it’s kinda sad really. humans really like comparing with each other. i mean… a little competition is alright. but i think to compete with each other for material comforts is really stupid. like, hey, i have the newest bmw convertable. do you have it? "oh no, i don’t"…. "oh boy, that’s a shame." and the guy walks away. gosh. HOW SAD!!! why has the world evolved into such a state? even if u were poor, u’d probably need to scrimp and scrive in order to make yourself presentable so that people will be willing to be seen close to u. maybe? evolution? lol. no idea. but it is indeed very sad.

now, another friend is telling me to kill him simply because he has scored third class grades and hence, he calls himself a third class being. if so, i should be a no class being because my grades are worst than third class. maybe just pass.. or barely passing. lol… society! u ain’t gonna get nowhere without a good certificate, are we? okay if we’re enterprising enough, of course education isn’t a barrier. but that’s another story.

boy.. it’s been 5 months already. at least going to… and i can’t brush him out of my mind completely. lol. though i dreamt that i ran away from him and dived into cJ’s arms, is a dream just a dream? it is not reality? it is simply not easy to just throw my feelings down, stamp on it and continue living life. i already tried preoccupying myself for most times.. but somehow he manages to occupy a small lil space on my mind. it kinda hurts when i encourage him to try to win the heart of his wife. but well…. a kid without a father…. how good will his upbringing be? i don’t know, but i always believe for a kid to lead a wholesome and healthy life, he should always have a happy family. he’ll grow up to be a fine young man. usually. let’s hope he succeeds then…

lately, my friend told me she was going to get married. i think she’s kinda crazy. yes u!!! ying!!! lol… but you make me feel like marrying too. actually just a month ago, i dreamt that i was married. hahaha… i wanna get married so bad!

oh… to end off this post, i have to relate a really interesting incident. there’s this couple who makes out on the big field behind my block almost every night. sometimes they would be at the field, sometimes, at the basketball court in front. so today, i was watching the daily free porno show (though no nudity, but their actions were unsubtle)… and many residents on the other blocks surrounding the fields were joining in the show. lol… finally.. the police came. gosh. someone must have dialed for the police. actually sometimes i think it should be alright for couples to make out in an open field that is really dark. if i didn’t look close enough, i wouldn’t have noticed there were a couple there. people are weird sometimes. i think they get off on surprising a highly sexed up couple. lol. can’t they just mind their business… if they can just look and go away, why didn’t they just do that? i think the most perverse thing is to continue being attracted by the show (and they probably are fantasizing)… and yet report the incident to the police. weird. anyway, i have decided. i will never ever make out on an empty field surrounded by blocks!!!! lol.

time for bed.

it’s a brand new year!

every start of the year holds infinite possibilities of new hopes, dreams and aspirations.

into the second month of the year, reality sinks in and you give up your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

lol maybe, but dang, resolutions are hard to keep to!

2007 has been a tough year for me i guess. have been on some kinda emotional roller coaster for most parts of the year lamenting about friendship, relationship and kinship. things have not went as well as i would have expected. i guess it’s difficult to expect people to do things the way you expect things to turn out. to each its own, isn’t it?

new year eve’s celebration was a blast. even though we didn’t visit clubs, or join in the majority of singaporeans in the countdowns held at various spots in town, i had a lot of fun. i learnt how to play mahjong, and tested my alcoholic tolerance levels – which i would say, is quite high. lol… but what i really hated was… my dad. god!!!!! he got drunk so early, at like 11pm he was already swaying. and he ate some of the sausages my friends brought over. expensive sausages. lol… and he walked around just in his towel. thank god his towel didn’t drop. nobody wants to see his shrivelled. lol…

actually, sometimes i wonder why do people celebrate new year. like, is it just an excuse to put up performances? is it an excuse to party even harder? is it an excuse to stuff urself silly with food? i don’t know, but IT IS DEFINITELY AN EXCUSE TO GET URSELF DRUNK!!!! and i love this particular excuse. hehehe…

2008 – on to better things. i have to concentrate on working on my body this year. every year it’s the same actually. and let’s see if i will actually stick to this particular soggy resolution. lol.. i wrote a plan! but that was just WRITING it. EXECUTING it is another story. lol… for the sake of not worrying i’ll return to singapore looking like a real sumo wrestler after my stint in usa.. for the sake of not having to have real talents and yet get a reasonably well paying job… for the sake of not having to worry if the lift alarm is going to sound when i try to squeeze into the crowded lift…. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT!

how many times have u seen this? how many times have i said it? you probably don’t know, but let me tell u.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE.

i remember in primary and secondary school days, almost every 2nd jan when we go back to school, our teachers would request that we write down our list of new year resolutions. and mine would always be "i want to lose weight". and every year, in june….. I CAN’T EVEN FIND THAT PIECE OF PAPER.

which means…. well, u know the outcome 😛

this year, i’ll hopefully be receiving a very nice and very distant present in a few months time. i can’t wait. i hope this will be a good year!