energized

someone once gaped his mouth open when i told him i don’t pray. he said "then please start, no matter what God it is". and so……. i prayed. i prayed that all unecessary thoughts would be swept away and that i would be focused in my study. oh well i guess praying does help. in reality, perhaps it’s my decision to sweep away those thoughts and to put my energy into studying… or perhaps it’s because i felt that i had transfered my hopes to my God… that’s why i felt this way. i don’t know.. either way, it’s good.

 

i don’t feel as bad as i did when i woke up this morning, heart pounding, giddy, anxious and all. now…. i can only say i feel energized, and even more determined.

 

i hope i stay this way.

 

 

kiss the rain

feel the rain on my skin

wash away all the hard feelings

-brain dead-

man… i can’t write a poem like liza does!

 

i went out just now… though my friend didn’t do anything bad to me… i can’t help but feel sore the whole day. i didn’t smile. my friend asked me what happened to the old, cheerful me. i look like i was plagued with sadness and painful memories… well if i was…. i was reminded of him. i do not like him anymore.. but somehow.. when i go out with him i would expect him to treat me like how he did before… but of course.. that’s impossible. it seems selfish of me to not want to be with him yet to expect him to treat me the same way. and when he does, i back out.. and when he doesn’t, i feel hurt. i don’t know what it is that i want. but.. luckily.. as if knowing i’m sad…. he treats me every worst. walks away without telling me. i felt so isolated. so so so isolated, so lonely, so miserable… as if being walked out by a single friend is not enough.. i have to have two. so down came the tears and moistened my chapped charred face. at the bus stop. i hope nobody saw. i don’t think anyone did. my fringe covers 1/2 my face… for that, i love my fringe.

 

it started to pour heavily when i alighted… and i just walked in the rain. i wanted to be free… remember i said i wanted to stop accomodating to others? i found out it’s easier said than done. anyway… listenin to my mp3… the soundtrack from a bucket of tears… i didn’t feel sad. but mmm i just walked slowly in the rain… drenching myself… washing, cleansing myself of all the misery that has built up inside over the past week. it felt good. i felt energized…. and i felt free – when i took off my slippers as well. it felt good to walk that way, free, unconstrained, in the rain.

 

by the way.. 300 is a very nice movie.

mmmmm

so.. it was a misunderstanding.

 

but bahhhhh… i still don’t feel good!!!!

 

 

let go…

she said.

 

how difficult it is to do so. it’s easy to forgive, but never to forget.

 

can u teach me… how to let go?

 

my life is now shrouded in unhappiness. i’ve become sensitive to every single thing on earth. i guess.. i’ve began to build a wall around myself. to look up and to never look down. to disregard all feelings of others. i want to be cold, insensitive to the world. i want to not pin hopes on anyone. only that, perhaps, i will be happy.

 

doing that, will not see me crumble in a situation of disappointment. will not make me recall "who you loves makes u cry; who you hate makes u smile".

 

i hope you can stop doing that… to promise me something and in the end… to not honour your promise. i hate u. i wanted to stop keeping my distance away from you. but now…. it’s best that u are gone. life will not be different, without an asshole like you. you should move on too. stop asking me out anymore will u!!!!!

 

 

 

 

life? down there in the dumps

lately… life has not been good to me. life is a buzz.. supposedly… with the actual exams coming… and i found out that really.. to reach my aspiration, i not only have to be good in my academics, i have to be good looking.. which includes having to be SLIM. the only 4 letter word i fear. not only that… i need to change the way i think and react… i’m lazy, unenthusiastic, i don’t have the thirst and drive for anything. i’m not inquisitive, i take everything that is given to me without asking. it’s not desireable.

 

pa was suppose to go for an angioplasty procedure cos one of his heart vessels is clogged… but that heart vessel has already been operated previously. so the doctor didn’t wanna do another procedure on him as it’s too risky. so….. bluntly speaking, we just have to wait till his heart breaks down…. and you know what happens after that. we try to persude him to stop smoking and to stop drinking. but oh well… after he got discharged yesterday, he didn’t touch a single stick of cigarette. but today! oh today…. he started smoking again. 2 sticks up till now i counted… only he can help himself. we can supervise him.. but the time spent checkin on him is only limited. i saw his medical record.. prior to 1991, he smokes 40 sticks a day. that’s terrifying. he’s like a walking ashtray. now i think he’s cut down to 1.5 packets a day… i hope after knowing that he can’t go for any operation to improve his heart condition… he will be more sensitive to his body and health. he always says he wishes to die early.. but i don’t think he means what he says.

 

another shitty thing is having to receive calls from this person who never gives me his number. and he just talks crap it irritates the hell out of me. always i’ve always been pretty soft telling him gently to back off and that.. but seems like he doesn’t get my hints. so yesterday i HOPE i managed to drive him out of my life by asking him to fuck off really crudely.

 

the last shitty thing that happened to me………….. is to have a feeling of betrayal. i don’t understand why must friends cheat each other? if there’s something you wanna do… just say it out. don’t try to hide and deceive. it’s really unhealthy… i don’t know how it is for the other party. but i’m very pissed off. it’s not like you say forget it, forgive me.. and you can just forgive. sometimes it takes a lot for one to trust the other. just when the friendship is starting to bond like how it did before, that friend just has to spoil it all. i just don’t get it. and u know what i finally learnt? is that when you wanna do something, just do it. don’t compromise  yourself for the sake of making someone else happy. since everyone is selfish in this world, i guess no one cares a flying shit about whether u are compromising yourself or not. so.. why bother? it’s like no matter how hard you try… no one will truly understand.

 

and lastly… my poor qx.. like i said, curiosity killed the cat. get well soon 🙂 may sekhmet be with you.

 

i’ll try to look on the positive side of things. okay on the positive side…. i have like 12 days to study for each module and pray to score at least a 60 for each. on the negative side? 12 days to cover a whole year’s topic isn’t a lot.

 

and oh.. have u heard of a butt hopper? it’s actually a form of transport created by capturing and sitting on top of a butt that has been corked for at least half an hour. When uncorked a jet of gas is released, which can propel the butt and its rider for up to ten kilometres.

 

how about a tennis racquet? it’s good for whacking butts. Also useful for playing tennis.

 

and lastly.. a buttcano??? An extinct volcano that has been colonised by butts. Allows lethal concoctions of gas and solids to build up, resulting in eruptions that have the power to devastate enormous areas and in some cases are powerful enough to destroy the ozone layer. A proliferation of buttcanos in the late Jurassic Period is thought by some to have been responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs.

 

– extracted from Andy Griffith’s The Day My Butt Went Psycho

 

know you know 🙂