more disappointment. heartbreak.

lately, life have not been good to me.

 

i had to worry about a person whom.. at the end of the day… i dont think give hoots about me. who am i… but another being to him, unimportant being. when he said he’ll treasure me, i really doubt so. they say actions speak louder than words. so be it.

 

all these years, i have tried my best to be good to her, be in my best behaviour and doing things always in her favour. i want her to be happy and live her days happily. but i am human after all, it’s the 21st century and i wish to have my own freedom. but no matter how hard i try, she just is not happy at all. why is it that the whole world, everyone around her can turn bad but not me? why is this basic freedom taken away from me.. can’t i do anything without the fear of being rejected by her? i’m tired of this all. i wish she could stop talking like that, treating me like that cos i do love her, a lot. she used to love me a lot.. cajoling me to sleep, combing my hair, stroking my face, caressing my body.. kiss me. but she just doesn’t anymore. i dont know what have i done wrong other than coming home late once in a blue moon. i just dont want to face her sometimes.

 

today, something interesting happened. i put my phone in my pocket.. and when i took it out, i saw this message. "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." this message was originally found in the saved items folder which my friend had saved it in. i’m using my friend’s phone btw. anyway… somehow the phone was navigated to that folder, this particular message, and forward. the thing is that.. lately, i am rather spiritually confused… so.. i thought maybe… but this could be very much of a coincidence. i’m still at the point of resisting reaching out to god..

disappointed

terribly tired day today. tried to study econs. such an interesting topic when manfred talks about it. but the process of going over the reference materials are simply torturous. wtf, wtf, wtf. so it’s jason’s birthday today.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MILZ! muacks, i luv ya! and happy 21st birthday, plumpy!

 Happy Birthay, Jason! u R an old man now. treasure ur youth please. u havent got much left

 

took my time.. went down to chinatown to meet him to celebrate his birthday. cos he has a networking seminar at maxwell road. i figured that would be quite near chinatown? so walked around.. saw a nice sling bag – one similar to that of a tibetan bag, well something like that. kinda tribal, simplistic, zen. but didnt buy cos i spent quite a bit on the present already. walked whole of chinatown and he’s still in that place. so went down to visit all the dorothy perkins stalls in town. then settled down at bk to have my dinner alone and study econs. and still no news. he’s still stuck in the place and i had a feeling he simply had no intention to come out of the seminar. so… left the place at 10. i really must congratulate myself. i actually had the patience to wait for someone for 4 hours. how cool. i never knew i had such patience.

 

anyway…. better go get some sleep now. teahcing the imp tuition tomorrow.

i didn’t know

for once in my life, i think my natural brother is a genius. he managed to fix up damned sound on the computer. now i can finally listen to music after more than a year of silent computer usage.

 

i would say he is really, anything but a genius. thinking about yesterday, we were shouting ourselves hoarse over roms. he, being a total computer idiot, said that there wasn’t sound coming from the computer because there wasn’t enough ram. is there such a logic at all? does a ram help produce sound? maybe. but it sure isn’t anything i’ve heard of. then again, he shouted to me while i was minding my own business on the big bowl, "the cd-rom is spoilt. can we change?" i said "of course, but change the dvd-rom, don’t touch the cd-rom (we have a spare cd-rom. and the present cdrw-rom is still working AT TIMES)" he said "cd-rom!!! what dvd rom?! u stupid!" obviously.. he doesn’t know what i’m talking about. the funniest thing is, he’s contemplating to get a brand new cd-rom without any fancy functions like burning cds. he just wants to get a cd-rom which can read cds and vcds. it’s like………. CAN U BELIEVE IT??!!! oh well, he’s helluva genius.

 

for the past 2 weeks i’ve been indulging alot in my Law revision. it’s as if the entire mock exam has only got a Law paper. no… my weakest subjects are anything but Law. but again, i’m never exceptionally good in any subject. i just can grasp law. never skipped or went late to a single law class. but when i start reading the other subjects, i just nod to sleep. peeve.

Come Back to God

he’s like a brother i never had. as time passes by, i have grown attached to him, very much attached. so much so i wish the best for him in whatever he does, ever since coming out from that crazy cell.

 

whilst in the cell, i could see he was learning a lot, benefitting the once in a life time experience in the place. however, it wasn’t his first time there, i heard. that was his 4th. whatever it is, i had wished that to be the last time he ever went in there and came out. he had convinced me when he came out, he’d be starting life anew. but life outside protected walls is hell. many bouts of temptation one finds hard to resist. i didn’t mind him threading the lines of illegality… just don’t step into it. but……… i have a feeling he has disappointed me.

 

he told me we should stop contacting each other because he’s afraid he might disappoint me. i dont know what to tell of it all. i DO mind that he’s fallen. cos i have such high hopes in him. i really thought he will get rid of it all once and for all. i begin to wonder what does yellow starfish mean after all. he, being an active member… i dont know. why does it have to happen.

 

for him, i am able to accept God. i prayed to Him just now. just to help my dear friend pass this stage. i want him to triumph like how uncle raymond had. i hope uncle raymond will help him. please help, God. this is the first time i ever made a plea to God since i was 16. please let there be a miracle, please pull that mofo out of that mess before he plunges deep into it.

 

and no, in case u like to jump to conclusions, i’m not in love with him. it’s just another kind of love altogether.

 

sigh. i need to wake up in 3 hours and i still can’t sleep.

Friends for Life

when i was back in poly, i composed this song with a group of my closest friends for an assignment. do enjoy. kekeke… not very good piece of work… but given that time frame, this was all we could do.

 

i miss them girls, i miss their company.

 

Friends For Life MP3

 

and damn… i can’t embed media player into msn spaces 😦

 

 

i can’t shut my gag.

it’s day 4 of revision. and god forbid, i’m still at chapter 9 of my law notes. still have 11 more chapters to go. and the mock exam is just slightly less than 2 weeks away! i’m so gonna flunk my mock. and what’s worst, i can’t stop talking. spoilt the whole condusive studying environment.

 

the erevision system sucks. the banking and finance students are all pushed into a pithole. by the time we were allowed to access the system, all the good slots were taken up. i was lucky to still share most classes with my friends. but sharel, she got only the weekend slots. can u imagine still going for class on saturday and SUNDAY??!!! 10am to 5pm. it sucks, totally. i heard the lecturers from london will force each of us to ask a question. i cant imagine without my friends how am i going to consult them as to what kind of question should i ask…. COS i’m afraid i’ll ask stupid questions and get laughed by the whole class 😦

 

today, while studying with qx, saw a Public Enemy. nah… not so serious. saw cheryl. and i think i was kinda stunned, i just stared at her.

i hate putting titles before i type a post??!!

alright.

 

"u very strange. u asked me to let go and to carry on with life. i did as told. but why are u still holding on?" – i’m reading it as "fuck off"

 

oh the pic below’s not a vday gift, but an xmas gift. kept forgetting to post it up. wonderful gift ain’t it? well i got a voucher from 2 of my mates in uni. xl and daniu!! they’re wonderful

aww.. lonely st valentine’s

what is st. valentine’s but a special day laid out for unfaithful, busy couples to find time out for their loyal partners? if we love each other then everyday will be valentine’s day isn’t it, my fellow valentines?

 

every feb 14, i never fail to feel lonely. lol. yes though i deny it!!! sigh. just now while i was sitting at the bus stop waiting for jason, i thought of durian, my most recent ex. the one i must have blogged about quite some time ago. it’s been 4 months since we broke up. but today i smsed him, "hi. how’s valentine’s day? just thought about the time u gave me the bouquet of flowers. u were the first ever guy to give me flowers and that was my last so far" -something to the same effect. he told me this,"i’m with a girl. celebrating valentine together." did he say that to spite me, to make me jealous? cos last week i told him i was spending my valentine with my books – which was my original plan. but it felt so much like a holiday today. haa… it still feels like new year!!! anyway. if that was his intention, congratulations. he very much agitated me. i was jealous. how could i…. i didn’t want to accept him, and yet now i want him to have no one but me. i know i’m selfish, i really am. the other time, he told me he couldn’t get over me. he tried to find replacements, but left them because he felt that it was unfair. but i keep thinking… when we were together, he didn’t seem to hav emany female friends. but where did these girls sprout out from? funny.

 

oh well… if he’s going out with a new girl, that’s good. i still feel that many years down the road, i will regret i ever left him. cos he is in fact a really decent guy, a nice and sincere guy. but don’t ask me why did i leave him. probably i felt he wasn’t financially capable enough nor was he intellectual enough….. not that he’s not smart. but different aspects. oh watever. no point crying over spilled milk.

 

now, it’s Total Defence Day. be prepared. and happy birthday, wanteng 🙂

bleh

had a great weekend. celebrated teng’s advanced 21st bday at my aunt’s place. met up with teng’s 2 buddies, and they’re quite fun.

 

made tequila sunrise for all. used like 3/4 of the bottle. and no one drank finish. the tequila’s wasted. damn. doesn’t anyone know it’s expensive??!!! goodness gracious. but oh well, we’ll leave it at that.

 

no motivation to study at all. i see the bed and i just sprawl across it and fall asleep.

 

maid’s gone back to indonesia for a short break. have to do everything by mysself. today, i’m cooking. but it’s easy stuff. cooking leftover food from the weekend party at my house. but i already told my mum to get ready for the runs. lol. evil.

 

brandon, tis for u. oh well… watermelon’s the guy who used to hurl verbal abuses at me. apparently i had some feelings coming back, for him. but they’re gone now. u can say it’s a crush. and the feelings are crushed now. ahhah

 

something happened at the motel claire’s living in yesterday. some drunk punks got into a fight and smashed the motel’s window. absolutely scary. let’s pray she’ll be safe and sound there.

cleared up

alas…. the cloudy feelings have all been cleared up. well, not all, but most. 😀 gdbye, the watermelon image knotted in my heart.