Hitler and the ERP

depressed and distracted

i woke up this morning with determination – i was determined to complete chapter 4 of IM. but then i was relaxing until about 4 when i realised it was getting late. smsed my best friend. received an sms back. panicked. and got angry. but probably it’s better that way. i dunno. sigh. after which, i couldn’t study at all. i was so very angry, so very scared. then other things started to happen… obviously bad since i’m already in a bad mood – and i’m so annoyed by them. i can’t study. at the end of the day, i did NOTHING except get angry, get worried, get sad, and eat and sleep.

 

dunno why did i get myself into such shit.  now this shit is like diarrhea on the floor and i have to clean it up. yucks!! u think i feel good about it? i don’t. i wish i never have to clean it up.

 

i’m sounding gibberish. but i’m experiencing all sorts of emotions except happiness and joy. mal once said i’m a very simple person – i just want to be happy. it’s just difficult to achieve. i guess it’s true…. i laugh a lot. but i guess i was never truly happy.

 

my confidence level is falling by the day. ever since i had that conversation with my boss, i don’t feel good about myself anymore. there is nothing about me that i feel good about. not even my working attitude. i’ve been slacking. why do i feel such? i’m not confident about myself because of the way i look. of course… we shouldn’t care too much about how we look as long as we are good persons inside. but life is much more than just your personality. it’s bullshit when people say "it’s ur ability, it’s who u really are inside, not ur looks!" it’s total bullshit, total crap. people are superficial, somehow. if two persons have the same ability and skillsets but one is prettier than the other – who would the company choose? of course the prettier one – eye candy and is also  a good worker!

 

and i’m depressed because i’m fat. and i’m even more depressed cos when i’m depressed i eat choclates, i take snacks, i chomp. and when i do that, i gain weight. then it becomes an unhealthy cycle. this is so contradicting. i need to stop turning to food for comfort. I NEED TO.

 

i’m talking about my weight issue so much that i dun wanna talk about it anymore. it’s soemthing which i’ve been refraining to do for the past few months. you noticed i haven’t typed anything mucha bout my weight issue? well i’ve been keeping it in my mind, in my heart. now i can’t take it anymore. i’m so uber depressed. sigh! someone told me what you feel comes from whether you want to feel this way. it can be controlled. if you keep thinking u are depressed, u will of course be depressed. right now…. i think i’m wanting to be depressed. sigh…. it’s not a good feeling. but i don’t want to feel good at this moment in time. i don’t know…. it’s as if i’m happy being miserable and that i don’t wanna do anything about it. i don’t know…. i don’t know what am i doing, what do i want anymore.

 

i’m so very annoyed, so very depressed, so very distracted.