gratitude

can u define what’s gratitude? well.. it’s just gratitude la.

 

anyway… how far would u go to show your gratitude to someone? i feel that to show ur gratitude to someone, u just have to keep that person in mind and doing things for him whenever u can, if it’s within ur means. that is gratitude. and by the way, when we give, we don’t expect something in return, do we?

 

someone has been of help to my family and i for a long time. and of course, we’re very thankful for such a person. we try to pay back this person’s kindness. but somehow….. i feel that even if we all were to die, we’d still be unable to pay back one’s kindness. how far are we to go? lookin back, my mum has already paid back more than she should have – sacrificing her own happiness to have our "kind samaritan" happy. but.. isn’t that more than just gratitude? it feels like an obligation, like "i know u helped us. and now i’m selling my life to u because u helped us". does it really work that way? i’m so.. at a loss now. i’m angered, distressed, pissed yet sympathetic and contradicted now.

 

she says my working attitude sucks. perhaps. but it’s only with her, that whenever she asks me to do something, i throw tantrums. i cant seem to control such a kind of behaviour. it just happens like that.

 

i wonder how far i have to go to help her.. it isn’t a lot of help. it’s just the energy needed to perform every task like with the snap of your fingers. i can’t do it if i’m already unhappy with the whole affair. sigh… sometimes i feel that my life’s miserable. but again, it isn’t as miserable as i thought it was. there are far more people having life worse off.

alas..

beautiful mona is returned to the Lord. gone is her suffering, gone is the pain she has endured during the last stage of her cancer. she will no longer have to live each day gritting her teeth and holding back her tears, watching her beloved husband and son bite their lips in their bid of looking strong. she has been returned to the Lord.

 

who knows what pain she goes through every single day, in her battle against cancer as the cancer cells attack the very last unaffected areas of her body. chemotherapy has made her lose her hair, shrunk her like a baby on an oversized bed. much of her is unrecognizable, except for those beautiful eyes and mouth of hers. the whole world cries for her.

 

it rained the day her wake was held at the funeral parlour at mt vernon. it was as if thousands of angels are crying rivers of tears to wash away her pain as she is lifted to heaven by these heavenly beings. i hope as time goes by, the grief of her very loved ones will soon shed away.. but always keeping beloved mona in their minds, in our minds.

 

i have vague memories of going to specialist shopping centre for phonetics class with rico, mona’s son. he was an adorable boy, a year younger than me. but i looked so much older cos i had much more flab. he was like a little brother to me. but i remembered his beautiful mother much more, for she was prettier than my mum. she has always been on my mind for as long as i remember, and she was very sweet. but my parents didnt knowi still keep her in my thoughts. come to think of it, i don’t understand why my parents have to stop contacting mona and her family because we moved away. like, come on.. singapore isn’t very big. i have always wanted to see her again.. but i wonder again, why didn’t i tell my parents i wanted to do so? still, even if she had moved to perth for a few years, why didn’t we contact her the years before she was in perth? i guess i just have to let go and let her continue living in a corner of my heart, and silently remember her still 🙂 i luv u aunty mona.

finally…

2 more papers to go and i’m free as a bird!!! oh well… that depends if i’ll be bounded by someone. (not bounded romantically but somethin else)

 

anyways, life has been hectic…. muggin for exams… i didnt know i could last so long as to sleep for just an hour and off i go for examinations. but the muggin seemed useless.. the papers all sucked. except for econs.. but i didn’t do adequate preparation. bolls. and so i sing my yesterday song.

 

this week, i had a 3 day food fiesta. and i regret doin it. sunday was mother’s day. we had two meals of steamboat. dad bought too much food and we had to finish em all. tuesday, went to pariss for xiang’s 21st bday celebration though we were like 8 days early… the food was… bad. that’s where reality hit me, that all adverts have intention to deceive. lol… they claimed to have a variety to up till 200 kinds of food. i think it’s less than 80. one of my friend says "yeah they said 200 but maybe they meant a fraction of the 200 kind of foods everyday. so maybe in a week or few days u will get 200 kinds of food" lol.. so anyway.. the outcome of lousy food?? i had diarhea spot on. went to see when a stranger calls too….. it was pretty alrite. i just hate the music. the music composer should be shot dead. his music has got sense of building up at all. it was CLIMAX THROUGHOUT THE GOD DAMN SHOW!!! after a while, it doesnt matter if something is going to happen. cos before that thing happened, u’ve already been misled that something is happening every other minute. which is not the case.

 

the day before, was my brother’s birthday. which is one day after parriss. we had pizza at home. after that.. went out with a friend to catch poseidon. pretty nice. the camera was awesome…. how’d they do a crane 360 degrees…. maybe it could be graphics. i asked my friend and he just said i’m mad. just sit back and enjoy the show. lol.. but i wasnt able to enjoy the show.. i was suffering from indigestion. felt like puking throughout… then when i finally got home, i puked till the next day… so yesterday, my whole day was spent sleeping. thank god i’m so much better today.

 

now i have to speed up the process of me doing work for my aunt’s website…. if not i wont have time to study for my exams. so.. chalo!!!