emo again

don’t u know?! fat people are always emo.

lol.

 

not necessarily true. but i’m damn emo tonight!!!

 

what the dvd said was right. u’re unhappy, and u binge. and u binge and binge. until u feel like puking. u stop eating. and u realise…. u’re more empty than ever inside. I FEEL THAT WAY NOW!!!

 

i feel miserable that i’m fat. not that i can’t do anything about it, but i can’t find a reason strong enough to take an action. sigh!

 

perhaps thinking of cJ’s tight abs can help motivate me! ha. i’ll try. yeah, yeah.. there she goes. talkin but not acting. urgh.

 

today, i dreamt of my dear grandma! we hugged and cried. cos we miss each other too much. I MISS HER! i miss u, gramma! kiss kiss!

 

in a few days, 2007 will end. yet another year has passed. and what have i improved in my self, and in my life? i would say, nothing. well… in a year, i lost a grandma, i lost a bird. but that changed nothing in my personal well-being. i made no changes in my life.

 

i won’t lay down any new year resolutions cos i know i will never complete any of them.

and i plead innocence

for something that i did not do.

oh boy. this must be the worst week of 2007!!! everything i do seems to piss people off. somehow. things have not been going right.

for example, just for asking my boss to check my word, she lost her temper and slammed her notebook in front of my face.. and all my colleagues thought i made her angry. which in fact, i did not. i told her what i did, she asked again. so it’s like…. i didn’t know how else should i explain to her what have i done.. so i just asked her to look through. i mean. if she doesn’t look through and she doesn’t trust that i will do things correctly.. then…. why did she even bother asking me what have i done? isn’t she suppose to vett my work? if not her, who else? right? then she just lost it and started screaming that she is a ceo and hence she shouldn’t be testing people’s work. i think she’s a lil crazy. lost her mind. and it’s still bugging me till now.

then today, i was in class. my class was from 7 to 10pm. so at 8 plus i was really hungry. plus i think i was having gastric… so i just touched my stomach with two hands under the table and just looked down. and my lecturer thought i was smsing!!! and he had to embarass me in front of the whole class by asking me a question, which coincidentally… i was concentrating on the rumbling of my stomach… and i didn’t reply. so he asked me what does my sms say. wtf. told him i wasn’t smsing. but i didn’t hear his question either. argh. i could feel my face turning red and my neck burning. what a bad bad week!

funny thing was…. my boss treated us all to carnivore and dragonfly, a canto pub. a person of her age…. of her social class, bringing us to such a place. lol. it’s kinda funny. and the only person enjoying herself, is of course herself.

come to think of it. i hate social classes. and i hate rich people. alright. they have the ability to get whatever things they want.. so on and so for.. but i think they really suck at being humans. suck at being humane. they’re just generally not very nice people. am i right to say that? i don’t know. but i’ve been insulted so much by these people that i really……….. i don’t know what to say. gosh. idiotic.

i think sometimes when someone says something to puncture whatever little pride you have, the scar will always be there. it’s like after insulting u with really nasty things, things will definitely not go back to normal even after that sentence the person forgets everything and acts like nothing happened. he can shower u gifts.. or even buy u luxurious dinners. but a scar will always be a scar. it will never go away. and i don’t understand why some people seem to LIVE in a world where they have to insult people all the time.

i’m really depressed right now man… by EVERYTHING. and i mean everything.

it all ended too soon

it’s only been less than a week ago that he joined the family. he was a pilot. he decided to land in our house… and i thought he was meant to be ours. he was such a charming lil fella… with a permanent blush on his cheeks. and he always had a nice hairdo – spiky and long. such a cutie…

 

i remember the first time i tried to touch him, he was aggressive. he screamed and bit my fingers. but i still did it anyway. i loved the way he screamed. then i started feeding him from my fingers.. and he grew to accept me. he is such a warm-hearted lil fella… gets close to people in an instant. i thought i would matchmake u to a companion so you won’t be bored. but who is to know that u left us so fast?

 

i wonder if i caused ur death, my dear dee dee… am i not suppose to feed u rice? what happened, dee dee?

 

i rushed home from tuition. just because i missed u. (and crystal of course) and u are already gone. with ur legs in the air and ur eyes open wide… i wonder if u left us in a state of shock. did crystal give u a heart attack with her barks? i will never know. i guess this is fate.. that it all ended so short. i miss u dee dee..

 

u touched our lives since the day u joined our family. there was certainly more live and laughter when u were around. u even shat in my hand! how could u leave like that?? i’ll always love u my dee dee…

 

it’s just a bird. but it’s my dear little bird.

 

 

anxiety

but then i should alredy have gotten used to it.

 

i’ve already come to terms To the fact that we are never going to be together. i love and respect u as a good friend. though sometimes i really do cross over the limit… but i will never ask u to be mine, nor commit. i know u never will, and will never want to.

 

so… why are u playing the same game again? it’s making me feel terrible. nothing makes me feel worst than not responding to me. i don’t like to be forsaken. if u were my dog and u were to forsake me, i would feel pissed and sad too.

 

i’ve been feeling anxious the whole day, wondering what did i do again. if brewing a pot of herbal tea is indesireable then, tell me. i can give it to my parents. u don’t have to drink it all, u know? i’m worried sick. and i’m thinking so much that my head hurts.

 

i guess i have to get used to it. but it is really very very difficult.

sympathetic and apologetic

actually…. i love u. just hate working for u.

 

i’m so guilty!!! if a strange, an outsider can look past all ur faults and treat u well, why can’t i? right?

 

i know i always contradict myself. haha… but guilt has got the better of me i guess….

 

her blood vessels in her eyes burst. i think it’s due to prolonged pressure on the eyes… and she has to go to the eye specialist. i hope she gets well soon.

i am, in certain aspects, a bimbo

and if i’m a bimbo then… i must be insulting them.

 

ha.

 

i find difficulty expressing my opinions, giving answers to the most easy of questions, yet i can be quite vocal. at least to the people who know me well, perhaps. i must be relaly dumb. right?

 

why is it that u always plague me with questions i do not know how to answer? i really don’t wish to be known to u as an idiot, a dumbo. ask me why do i still stand by you even though i’ve come to know of all ur flaws? i really have no idea.

sorry i can’t help being mean

today, i think i broke someone’s heart already. her already frail heart. but i just can’t help it. perhaps i can, but it’s in my nature to make someone feel really bad, i think. i guess i’m a really mean person.

 

but sometimes i really have zero tolerance for that woman. although she’s a nice person but she’s really such a bitch when it comes to work. forever so pushy. and that voice, oh that fucking voice! knnbccb. makes me wanna put on invisible earplugs all the time. like an irritating humming bee. i really feel like telling her, "can u shut up?! cos u are fucking irritating!"

 

looking at the way she treats her staff… i really sympathise with them, and it’s as if i can understand why they left though i’m suppose to be on her side. that is why i do not do anything. well i did try, but it’s really… going against my principles. if i were in their shoes, i would do the same thing.

 

today is a sunday. and we talked about work. okay, fine. cos i only work once or twice a week. and i’m sp[ending a lot less time in my studies now! if i fail, i’ll chop off her head! well no, i seriously won’t. but sometimes in an effort to get her project done fast, she really ill treats people. constant chasing, constant nagging, it’s a mental torture. i’ve been through this for so long. and everytime, UNWILLINGLY. cos i know how ugly she can be. one moment, i complain about working for her. the other moment, i complain that i have no money. i am THAT hard to satisfy. but i believe i can find a better job minus the stress. i really do not wish to indulge in a job that uses my brain. and fuck, i am not a developer, and i will never be one! stop pushing me to be a developer. knowing that she really WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SURVIVE without workers, she still insists that she can do without worker.

 

" if i had the resources, i wouldn’t employ u!"

 

 

WELL, IF I WEREN’T RELATED TO U, I WOULD QUIT IN HALF A DAY!

 

 

it’s no wonder u…………………….. urgh i’m so fucking pissed off. out of my kind intentions (and everyone elses’), we are all tryiung to squeeze time to help u. and we can only help u this much. u can’t expect us to stop working / living because u need us to do as much as possible. fuck. self centered! urgh….. can someone kill me please?