happy new year!!!

time really flies…. ending 2006. i’ve already graduated from SP for near 2 years. gee… that’s really fast! in no time.. i’ll graduate from my degree…. and i’ll turn 30 very very soon!

 

now what do we do on new year’s eve?? it’s the usual setting of new year resolutions. as usual…. my resolutions have been bull shits. none has ever realised!!!! urgh.. but nevertheless…. i’m still gonna set some. i have a feeling i’ll realise some of my resolutions. here goes…

 

2007 resolutions:

 

1. i wanna learn how to prioritise my stuff. like when should i be doing what i should and when i should not.

2. i wanna be focused in everything that i do and not give up halfway, or even harbouring the thought of giving up.

3. i wanna be academically focused from today until june and also when the new school year starts… i guess and finally know.. that in uni life, it is a constant battle. u just have to keep going.

4. i wanna graduate by 2008 with a good academic slip and a good figure.

5. which means…… i must exercise 5 times a week. of course.. i wont start doing 5 times a week immediately. since now i’m doing 3 times a week… i’ll increase to 4 times.. then gradually to 5 times.

6. i wanna eat 5-6 times a day…. so as to increase my metabolic rate.

7. i wanna be more responsible in things that i do. if i had done something wrong… i should just own up instead of plainly apologising and think of ways to escape the responsibility… i should also stop pinpointing the fault to someone else other than me.

8. i wanna read the newspapers everyday.

9. i wanna keep my room clean and tidy at all times.

10. i wanna start reading books to broaden my knowledge in all fields.

11. i wanna take less naps!!!!!

 

i do hope i can fulfill at least 1, 2, 3, and 4. god bless me.. and bless u too.

 

 

 

too many goodbyes

yesterday, we sent claire off… back to adelaide! and as i was at the airport… damn! i feel like just taking one of those planes and just fly somewhere….. where, i dont know. anywhere out of malaysian-singapore boundaries is fine i guess.. hehehe… i’m seriously thinking of going cambodia… ankhor watt! and pnom penh. mmmmm….. nice!

 

oh yah.. and aver!!! she’s flyin to nice, france in like an hour’s time. she’s there on an exchange program. how nice!!!

 

i had a dream this morning. i can’t remember what was it about… but i know when i woke up, i clasped my hands real tight and started saying "I CANNOT FAIL MY ECONS OR ANY OF MY SUBJECTS!" i teared a little.. and got back to sleep. anxiety is hitting me… with examinations just 5 months away. i really really really cannot afford to fail any of my subjects. i’ll have to graduate by 2008. if not because of my age, it will be because of my family’s financial status. can’t possible waste a coupla thousands more due to my playfulness can i?!! i’ll feel so ashamed of myself.

 

anyway… having saturday class is not that bad really. u get to wear really lam nua clothes… hahaha also because nobody will look at u. there arent much people on saturday classes. and my class only lasted for like 2 hours. it’s kinda cool. lol.. perhaps my lecturer felt that we were all in a new year’s mood. or.. he probably was just lazy. haa…

 

i went macritchie after school… supposed to jog.. but of course…. being me, and being girly and all.. i didnt wanna risk breaking my bones skidding down the slimy wet paths. so.. i just walked… for an hour. and ran for 10 mins. but oh well.. at least i ran! haa.. or rather, jogged.

 

alrite.. here’s my resolution. i am gonna start studying from next week!!!!!! 7 days a week.. 24 hrs a day is gonna fly by so fast. if kenneth can spend just 5 hours sleeping each day and playing and studying and still go to LSE… so can i. though i’m not gonna try to get into LSE.. i’m gonna just graduate with a good degree score. 🙂

the heat is on!

i just received a notice from school. i should be receiving my exam entry forms by next week. god… time is running! for once in my life… i am saying this for the first time: 24 HOURS IS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH!!!!!

 

yeah yeah i know my exams is like in 5 months. but i have to cover like a whole year’s syllabus!!! and it’s 100% weightage… and! if i fail any subjects this time round i wont be able to graduate within 3 years! TOUCH WOOD!

 

i read a newspaper article some time back. as u know.. i aspire to be a banker.. or at least, a trader. yeah trade my night time for money. lol.. oh anyway. to be a banker… firstly… and most importantly. u gotta have good grades. u have to be academically inclined!!! gee….. i really hope i can make the mark. probably now i’m unable to cope with all that stress but i believe environment nurtures a person. once u’re in it u have to adapt like really fast…. and u’ll change from there. I MUST WORK HARD!!!!!

slogging for the watever-ship

i’m begining to feel like this is some kind of partnership rather than the kind of "ship" i would want it to be.

 

i have to work so hard for it. i’ve seriously never worked so hard for any ships in my life before. when it’s too simple, i keep searching for contentment in the complicated spaces. when it gets too complicated, i curse and swear and i wonder why am i involved.

 

i want to trust someone. and often i trust people – but to find out in the end that they are not worth my trust. i think to trust someone takes a lot of courage. u have to totally give urself to that person and tell him "i trust u"… or u can continue doubting him. i think in the first place, if u decide to love or like someone.. u should trust that person. i know probaqbly someone will beg to differ because he feels that trust should be earned. maybe that’s why we’re always fighting. i’m so tired of fighting. i swear – that i’m really working hard to make this work. but it always seems to die… when it comes to trust. how much must someone work hard… to make the other person trust him? i thought love was based on trust. if it isn’t, tell me what it is? sex?

 

i really dont want to fight anymore. it’s taxing on my emotional self. i think i should just close myself up… be invisible from the period of march to may… so i don’t get distracted by such affairs. i dont understand. things can be so simple.. give and take. why must some people make it so complicated? it must be the age. if not the age.. what else? i dont understand.

 

what is the limit? when u’re in a relationship or friendship.. and u want to give ur all. but what would u do.. if that person doesn’t think that u’re acting what u’re saying? what can u do really? how far can u go to gain his trust.. when in the first place u did not do anything to make him not trust u? not trusting u.. probably means he doesnt love u enough to accept who u are. but then again… isn’t human minds complex? u love someone because u accept who he is… but when u acept who he is, u want him to change. that’s some kinda twisted logic. will u change who u are for someone u love? wht if u change into someone ur friends dont even recognise u as? but since he liked u the way u were… will he still like u after u change? to think that… my mood can be a problem to us being together. is really too much. are there times when u feel so down.. and u space out. and someone comes and start beating the hell out of u – simply for spacing out. were there times.. when u simply don’t know what to respond to specific questions… because ur mind is thinking of something unpleasant. i believe such situations can happen sometimes… and.. do u really want me to act like i’m very happy… and chat with u? of course i’m happy chatting with u.. but sometimes i get disturbed by certain thoughts. can’t u understand? u always say u understand.. but somehow…. i feel that u never really understand. when i’m feeling down.. i thought i could have someone to comfort me. but that someone always adds to my troubles.

 

perhaps u’re not that someone whom i can depend on. in times like this. perhaps…. this was all a mistake. perhaps it’s my fault for not occupying my mind with thoughts of u. perhaps it’s my fault that i am troubled by work. perhaps i shouldnt have talked to u if all i’m going to think about is unhappy thoughts. perhaps i should just forget all thoughts and just fill my mind with u.

 

but then again. when one says he’ll not think about something. it doesnt mean that it can be done with the blink of an eye. we’re not robots, attuned to act a specific way as we want it to be.

 

watever. i think it doesnt really matter to u anyway. perhaps it’s just an eye for an eye. a fuck u for a fuck u back.

 

i still trust u. even though u want me to prove to u that i can be trusted. i dont know how. i think it’s because….. i’m just dispensible. just like all women are. to u. perhaps.

one litre of tears

finally… i’ve finished watching all 11 episodes of one litre of tears. my god…. just like the title, i must have shed near a litre of tears… it really touched my heart, this story. it’s about a girl.. who had this disease which will deplete her ability to walk, talk and to even eat eventually… she was 15 when she was struck with the disease. however what touched me was her perserverence.. oh well. just watch it la.

 

mmm today’s the first day of xmas. oh well xmas to me.. isn’t much of a big deal. without xmas, i eat and drink as much. with xmas.. it’s about the same. without xmas, i don’t go to school on monday. with xmas.. it’s still the same. haa.. but this year.. my cousin from hongkong came back. oh that haughty little girl! running around like a wild cat. but she’s cute. though she forgot how to speak english. she used to speak pretty slanged english. but then again. she picks things really fast. so yeah… glad to have her around but sometimes i feel like slapping her. really mischevious and mean. lol.

 

okie yesterday was xmas eve. went chomp chomp with nd, js and lb. mmm pretty cool la. cool weather.. and saw… marilyn monroe. lol.. there’s this chinese girl.. who was wearing this pretty marilyn monroe dress. it was white.. and really flowy. and when the wind blew, it flew upwards. so.. u can imagine the sight i saw. wow. i think i’ll get retribution one day. mmm so much for ogling. haa… when i’m a girl!!! so anyway after that.. we went liquid kitchen. shared a jug with js. oh well nothin much la… haa. just plain.. relaxing. and oh.. i received a wonderful xmas present from my aunts and uncles. well… good thing about christians is that they always make it a point to get everyone presents…. which is really sweet i think. i got a bronzing powder and eyeshadow from ysl. god YSL! but i think i can only use them like twice in 2 years.. for clubbing? can anyone tell me is it realistic to put bronzing powder and bronze eyeshadow for shopping or dinner? if so.. i’m so gonna use it. lol…

 

today, xmas day. went carlton for dim sum. mmm it was delicious. and that silly cousin of mine kept saying "this is delicious!" .. another cousin bought vanilla ice blended. and this silly cousin took it away and drank half of it. she’s just 5 but she can eat more than an adult. she is amazing. lol…..

 

tomorrow they’re having another gathering. for dinner. steamboat. hahahaha… nice. and oh!!! tomorrow i’m going to collect my makeover pictures!!! i am just sooooooo excited!!! weeeee!!!!! wonder how it’ll turn out. i look godamn sexy on the computer. but i dont know what will i turn out to be in the developed photos. i am not kidding man.. it’s like the pictures.. i feel horny looking at myself. LOL. i have a major naccistic dysfunction.

 

after xmas.. i have to start tuning up my engine. i’m so going all out to score this time round. blistering barnicles. if ako can do it, so can i!

unhappy.

don’t ask me why i’m unhappy.. i’ll be glad to tell u. but before i even tell u, my tears will start rolling down.

 

i woke up with swollen eyes today… and went to the gym.. and when some of them saw me.. they asked me if i cried myself to sleep. haa.. how glorious. and how smart they were. of course.. i insisted i just slept too much.

 

what i said to him has really tormented me a lot… for some time. i really dont know why do i react the way i did sometimes. and i find it so mind boggling.. why does it matter so much to him. sigh. oh well. perhaps a cool-off period. perhaps this would be for good. sigh…

 

i went to do my makeover yesterday. it was some kinda experience… i got engulfed by massive aerosol pollution. but it smelt nice… and the stylist gave me a hairstyle that i luved so much. haa… thanks spheroidians.. for giving me a chance to be a photo whore. lol. sibei act chio sial!!! next time then show u pix.. but it’s for selected parties onli. lol.

 

 

 

 

where concern becomes overbearing

u always tell me to be careful.. so that i do not get hurt by people… but i never knew it could turn out to be.. that without doing anything much, u have hurt me like no one has ever done to me in my entire life before. thank u so much.

 

why must u always be so ambiguous in what u say? i hate guessing what is written between the lines. like i told u, i’m not that bright to read the true meanings beyond what u type. what u type to me, is somewhat gibberish. u don’t even complete a whole sentence.. and u like to leave me to guess what it is. does it hurt to be specific at all? please stop doing this to me.

 

i can’t even remember when we ever had a nice chat. it probably was before and a week after u visited. after that, all i remember was tears and disagreements. i don’t even know why must u always be so concerned about things that are not important. when i’m online, instead of asking me how am i, u ask me… why am i online. ur concern with me being online is overboard, and overbearing. sometimes i realise that whatever i say, u’ll have something to repudiate. and it’s like i keep guessing… and u don’t tell me what is wrong…. and u say i’m not even putting in the effort to think about what u’re saying. but from what i’m processing in my mind. u’re telling me exactly as what i perceived. and sometimes, the only things i can say… is fuck u, i hate u. maybe if i said that u’ll start to hate me… and walk away. which is probably good. seeing that we really havent been talkin happily for the past month. and it seems that u are not going to stop making me unhappy. perhaps i’m just going to put on deaf ears to what u say.. because i can never understand and there’s no point in arguing.

 

like i said. and u’re probably starting to agree. i’m vulgar, barbaric and nasty. it’s ur bad taste to like me. i’ve never been so rude to anyone in my whole life. and i dont know how it started with u.

 

how can i go training today in eyes swollen like e.t? i hate myself. i wish i was a human devoid of feelings. unfeeling and cold. then all these emo shit will not ever happen in life. i’ll stay lonely my whole life.. but i’ll probably be happier that way than to be tormented by some silly thing called love. life alone can be happy, can be sad. it can be made happier when u have someone to share it with. but it can also be 5 times worst when someone is adding to ur unhappiness.

my way

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist – albert einstein

 

and i really hate to have arguments everytime i talk to u. it sucks.

 

 

widening up

u r right….

 

i think sometimes when u care about someone too much, u tend to hurt the person. but it’s all for the person’s good. it might take a longer time for the person to understand where u r coming from.. but somehow… i believe the person will understand.. at a later time.

 

when u threw that much advice at me all of a sudden, without warning, without cause… (as what i see it) i immediately wrapped myself with a layer of shield. i wasn’t ready for so much stuff to be hurled at me all at once. and boy did u come down hard on it. i guess u punctured my pride. and i was resistant to what u had to say, or what u said. i felt u were bullshitting. but after that i guess what u said kind of had some effect on me. at first it was on the bad side… cos i felt like u doubted me and so on… i felt like i was being degraded by how u were speaking of me, speaking to me… then.. after a few hours… i guess i was ready to think about it.. and i sort of understood where u were coming from. it’s amazing how u can read me like a book. understand me better than i understand myself.

 

i guess u saw through how much i was being tormented by some people… u guessed it so right, the source, the platform of my unhappiness. i’ll not allow myself to go through such unhappiness again. such unhappiness can be avoided. not having such situations will not cost me happines, will not cost me my life – and most importantly.. these people do not give a shit as to what i would feel. so why should i bother in the first place….

 

all of a sudden, i want to thank u… for hurting me. so that i can find another hole to come out of that constrained space… and look at things from another perspective. i dont know and i’m unsure if that is the point u’re trying to drive into me.. but so far.. this is what i have perceived…

 

i’ve been feeling close to terrible these few days… as the flu bugs decided to take over my body, making me feel weak.. and disposing a whole bin of kleenex. it’s disgusting. but at least i’ve stopped dripping stuff out of my nose.

 

thunder strikes, a thunderstorm and now it’s sunny again. with each sunny day comes new hopes, newly found understanding, a new level. 

bail me out of my online misery

a snort led to sore throat. sore throat led to flu. and now… i’m drooling mucus.

u know, i simply hate it when i get ignored for no particular reason. like one moment we’re so good, and the next moment that person just shuts me out of his world. it’s really shitty. and the worst thing is…. that person doesn’t tell me why. though i’ve pleaded like countless times "WHY??" maybe i’m just an irritating skunk in some people’s eyes who ought to be kept a far far distance – in case i stink them to death or something. it is SoOoOo devastating. can u imagine? me – someone who aims to please having to deal with rejection? it sucks. and oh, don’t get mistaken because rejection doesnt necessary pertain to love.

i need to get out of the online community man. u know what i do? i just sit at my laptop for hours staring at the screen. such valuable time could have been spent studying. wtf!! i’m suffering from some kinda psychological problem man… but i believe i can help myself! and if all hope fails… there’s always the light from the tunnel to colombo. i can always count on that… somehow.

last friday i met up with my spheroids. what a joy bunch! sometimes… it’s good to meet up have a girls’ night out.. and have fun. well.. sort of. the original plan is to stay out late. but by 10pm, all of our body batts were so flat… we were kinda dragging our feet around. hence.. we were sitting around most of the time procrastinating what to do for fun. haa…

this week, i’ve been quite a drinker. i drank like….. 6 servings of beer? shit man… according to the abs diet.. i should take only 3 mugs. and i’ve doubled it. i should stop… in case i become unstoppable some day and become an alcoholic like my dad.

and yesterday, i met up with the sexpots. yeah … frens of sexpo. how very nice. lol. went to catch happy feet. boy was it a nice show… entertaining… some funny… and to me, it was pretty sentimental. that was the second time i was watching it.. and i had watery eyeballs watchin that. i guess i’m somewhat emotional lately. yes… i sobbed when mumble was rejected…. same feeling.. haa..