week 38 of 2009

was such a testing week. it tests my tolerance, persistance, mental capability, stress levels, faith.

last thursday (10th sept), i went for my numerical reasoning re-test. i didn’t know how to do many of the questions. it was a more difficult paper than the online version.. had to do 40 questions in 35 mins and there were many questions on inflation and price index. which… i couldn’t do cos it was something i wasn’t good in… i took a long time to complete each question. then the person said "1 more minute". i was like shit! and i still had 10 more questions unshaded! i made a silent prayer and circled the remaining 10…. and i told my colleagues what happened. they said, "it’s impossible for u to pass". i was dejected the whole day. i kinda blamed God, asking Him, "i thought if i prayed hard i would what i want?" so ultimately i gave up.. though i checked my email on thursday night, friday morning… then i gave up. seems like a day is such a long time. 

God reminded me he was there when i doubted his existence. he answered my prayers. 

monday morning i received 7 missed calls but i didn’t pick up cos i didn’t bring my phone out for lunch. received an IM… "are u coming for the interview?" apparently they emailed me on friday afternoon and i missed it completely… so rescheduled on wednesday. i was excited but also angry at myself.. because then i wouldn’t have any time to prepare.

monday night.. i didn’t prepare still. i went to visit my big boss… i thought i would be able to cruise the interview.

tuesday night, i prepared frantically. got bro to go through a stimulation with me……… when i went back, i couldn’t sleep. woke up every single hour. 

wednesday finally came. i did well in the interview, but i failed in my role play badly. i knew the product, but i just couldn’t get about selling it. Wenz was really nice to me… she kept prompting me… but i just couldn’t do it. my brain couldn’t move. it must be because of the night before… i blame it on that, i don’t know if it was really that or because i didn’t have enough role plays. but i was actually confident of selling… it has never been tough for me… just that i don’t know what happened.

thursday. lin asked me what happened to me during the role play. i said i was too nervous… and she offered me something else. perhaps this is what i should do cos when i was thinking.. if i ever get the role that i went for interview, can i just sell RPs? this job would enable me just to sell that.. it’s just like an agent.. except that i would have a base pay… it sounds good. 

thursday night. i received a wonderful gift from God. whenever i think about it, a smile spreads across my face. it makes me feel special. they said that when i have received it, i have to keep practising it…. it sounded gibberish. it sounded like tamil. but today…. it actually sounded "like the rest"… i don’t know where i got the energy from… it just shouted that language out. with anguish, with gust. it’s a funny feeling. i can’t explain it… but i feel peace in my heart. 

friday. appeared to be a good day. finally spoke to my friend… and my boss was in a good mood. and i was informed i didn’t get the job. then shit happened. in fact, i think it’s lao sai. but i seriously don’t think its my fault.

i think i am losing my zest in this job.

it’s a sunny day

but i’m feeling so very moody…. not because i hate the sun… but because of the events that happened today.

i went to pulau semakau for coastal cleanup. i never expected that we could find so much garbage on a beach. our team alone found 100kg of trash and we didn’t even take back everything we found. 100kg…. is too much. and we only have 3 trash bags that we could use. there were 8 teams.. so i guess there was 800kg of trash. anyway… what was suppose to be a happy trip… turned into a trip of agony and pain. my fren and i were carrying this box (which we found on the beach) with perhaps 40kg of garbage…. and somehow my side of the box was quite cui… it slipped off my fingers and she sprained her back. she was in so much pain! i felt so guilty.. think she was quite pissed also… but………… sigh. i was guilty the whole day. even when i was taking my nap i kept dreaming about it… but there’s nothing i can do to help. shucks. i hate myself.

then i don’t know why the whole day i was filled with negative thoughts. i called him up to talk about it. he seemed very uninterested. he said…. it doesn’t concern u wat… it’s not like u got hurt or wat… i’m not interested. that was when i realised……. of course.. he’s not my boyfriend. why should he be bothered? then all the shit happened. everything got into me and i started feeling depressed again.

come to think of it…. i stopped being happy after i met him. it’s been such a long time……… when can i go back to the happy cheerful me again? God! HELP ME!!! I’M DISTRESSED, OPPRESSED… I NEED HELP!!!