it’s time

okay the title has no link whatsoever.

 

gues what?!!

 

my grandma might well be on the road to discharge!!! they’ve stopped giving her drips and she’s no longer breathing with the aid of the oxygen tube!!! that’s a sign of improvement isn’t it! she looks better with those paraphernalia off her! she can talk, she can laugh, she can smile…. aww i just love seeing her smile.

 

it’s kinda funny. just a few days ago… she was really weak… she talked like she had a short tongue – which, according to my mum, happens when one is about to die… but now she talks like how she talked before. so she was weak… always asleep and she couldn’t speak out loud. she was groaning and moaning all the time. suddenly… things just turned around. i don’t know if it’s good or bad – but it’s weird. u start thinking alot after u hear a coupla tales about the "before-death symptoms".. it gets scary. but i’ll get by i’m sure.. if *touch wood* something goes wrong.

 

my grandma…. i only got to know now… that… she has a fiery temper. the doctor wanted her to drink more fluids and she refused cos she always feels like puking after drinking water. but we just had to make her drink. and when it’s time for her medicines… she throws a tantrum – thrashing her arms around and shaking her head and trying to upset the cup of pounded and mixed pill mixture (eew). just like a baby.. we had to coax her. but… i will treasure times like this.

 

it’s really pretty tiring to have to go to the hospital everyday… but somehow i don’t feel at ease if i don’t see her for a single day.

 

praying that she’ll be discharged soon!

god, please take away her sufferings

today is day 7 of grandma’s hospitalization. i wouldn’t say "hospital stay" cos… it really isn’t a good place to stay in. day and night… when u’re trying to rest, nurses and doctors will come…. give you your drip. those drips hurt terribly. stupid nurses don’t care if the needles hurt u – they just poke. as long as the fluid goes inside, they’ve done their job – even if u are in pain. my gran was sleeping last night and this stupid nurse came to inject medicine into her. i told the nurse "please be gentle. it’s painful" and the nurse smiled. wow i thought.. must be a good nurse. fucking cunt! my grandma winced and moaned. it’s painful!! and the nurse was so rough. i wanted to slap her – but u know… i’m a good citizen. i don’t get physical. poor grandma…. my heart cried for her. seeing her injured… sometimes i wish i could be in her place. at least i’m healthy… young.. i can tolerate pain better than she does. her skin is thin and needles would probably hurt her more than they do to me… at times… she turn and moan in pain. it hurts me to see her like that…

 

i blended sweet potato for her today. though i didn’t see her eat it… my mum says she ate quite a bit and says it’s good. i asked her if she liked the potato, she said yes.. so i’m glad. but the doc called up my dad today. yesterday my grandma was sent for a check up.. some scan… and the results are out… so……… she has…. a weak heart, a weak liver, her lungs are filled with water (is that possible?), her white blood cells are more than her red blood cells (she probably has leukemia or cancer) and she has a cyst in her stomach. it’s a multitude of sufferings. no wonder she’s always in pain. i always thought she was just suffering from arthiritis and that she is asthmatic. i didn’t know she had so many problems. i don’t wish that she’ll get well soon – it’s not that easy…. she rejected going for operation… i don’t know but at this age.. i wouldn’t want to go for op too… she’s already 90 this year. perhaps… if she’s gone, her sufferings will come to an end.

 

it’s been days and there’s still no sign of improvement even when she’s being monitored day and night by a whole company of healthcare workers. i have a feeling… this might very well be the last few weeks (if i’m lucky) seeing her…

 

though this post suggests that i’m in a very sad situation… with my grandma like that…… i’m surprised i’m not crying. perhaps i have already came in terms with such a thing happening in life – when u’re old.. u get plagued with illnesses and some day u will die… same goes for people around u… people will die. just like that.. this makes up life. so….. don’t bother consoling me cos… i’m sure i’ll do fine. but even if u do console me… i’ll just feel grateful 🙂

 

particularly grateful to ni ni… a friend whom i don’t often contact but she reads my blog and sends me sweet messages asking me to hold on, and to encourage me.

 

oh well… i just saw the hospital bill i think it’s around 1000 dollars? even more i think… that was the bill for 3 days. this adds more pressure for me to pass my exams. but it seems impossible. i’m so distracted nowadays. not because of my grandma.. but because…………. i’ve lost the zest in learning and doing anything else.

satisfied

yes! today i managed to complete quite a number of questions for economics and i am very proud of myself! and!! i’m almost done with vk’s website… just left 30 more pages. i’ve kinda got enuff of cases for now!!!! looking at cases just reminds me that i actually failed my favourite module – law. so interesting, and yet so difficult to pass.

 

i’m really afraid i will not clear my modules. i don’t wanna add any more pressure to the financial situation of my family. sobs…

 

lately, something is wrong with grandma. she begins to talk pretty strangely. just last week, on friday i think… she told me she couldn’t breathe for a moment. she thought she was gonna die then.. then she told me where she puts her key to her drawer… i’m to open it after something happens. she has asthma attacks every night. she’s asthmatic but lately her attacks occur almost throughout the day. yesterday, for example, she couldn’t talk at all.. had difficulty. and when she breathes, it has a weezing sound. i’m getting scared. just now she told my dad she wanted to make a trip to the hospital. seeing her struggling to keep alive.. sometimes i wonder if her letting go of life is better than her holding on and suffering. i can’t bear to see her suffer like that. it’s ironic isn’t it…. i want her to be with me forever, i don’t want her to leave me.. yet seeing her in distress i wish she would just give up and flee the third dimension. if she was gone…. i will miss her terribly. when i’m sick, she is the one who’s always taking care of me. even when she isn’t feeling well herself, she will still attend to me. she’s even more motherly than my own mum. i should tell her i love her later. every night i wake up in the middle of the night and i touch her… i fear for the moment when i touch her and she’s no longer breathing. oh well.. such is life. i hope i can cope with it when it happens.

 

right now… i feel apologetic towards someone. but i guess whatever i say will be of no use. i’m sorry…. but i want you to know that i’ve always treasured u as a special friend.

it’s easy to say anything.. but it takes effort to carry it out

cow sent me smses this morning.. encouraging and reminding me to study – for my future. as much as i know how important having good results is………… i can’t seem to prioritise. when i start studying somehow… some idiotic memories will come back and i’ll just space out. break down… and walk around the house or start msn-ing. i can’t do this u know.. i really can’t. when can i snap out of this phase? it’s really only a month left and there’s so many things to do. i can’t be idling around thinking of unnecessary stuff can i?! so many people are around me.. supporting me. but actually… i’m more of a loner. whatever it is… i have to pull myself out of this pit and move on in life. right? there are many other meats around for me to hunt down after my exams. lol.. watever meat is!!! it’s not that u think. women are called fish, men are called meat. according to bran’s definition of the human gender. okay… i’m sure i can do this. i can and i must….

 

new entry******

 

okay cool! know what? i managed to finish one topic of my math. lol so today… it’s not that bad. especially so after i spoke to him. i feel…. not bothered anymore. 🙂 yippee!!! good news today too… i’ve finally finished the website for vk!!! it’s up and working so nicely! i love my work. i think.. each new website i do surpasses the previous one. which is good! brings my designing skills to the next level. lol… 500 will be flying into my pocket real soon!!! other than legal concerns… i have nothing to worry about except for my uol exams. hahaha… i’m a happy girl now. today. tonight. i will try… to put my laptop into the cupboard from tomorrow onwards. well… i said TRY.

爱情已经过了甜蜜期 多说也是无益

i didn’t smile for the whole of today. memories flooded back. BUT… i’m fine now. and i’m pretty sure i’ve once again tossed him to the back of my mind. i’m sorry cow………………….. i know. i should concentrate on my studies. sometimes it’s not like you say you want to concentrate and you can… somehow stupid things just cloud ur mind. well perhaps not urs… but mine. it really isn’t worth it. years down the road i’m sure i’ll be someone great. i will i must…… i hope this time… i forget u for real. u’re a bastard… i’m a bitch. we can never be together. why are men so difficult to understand sometimes??? it’s like u think this way but why do u have to deny what u feel? i mean.. we should all come clean shouldn’t we…. why do you scold me and say that i like to make decisions for you when what i make tallies with what u have already made for urself in ur mind, ur heart? why do you tick me off for letting that girl affect my decisions when… ha ha… u urself do that? u are lame. i hate u. i have to start transfering my energy to my books.