loving is not always happy; but a happy person is always loving

happiness is prescribed by oneself. if one can wake up every morning telling herself that she can be happy, she will be happy. she then will not allow anyone to dictate her feelings and to deter her from making herself happy.

 

i’m happier today, than i was yesterday, than i was the day before, than the days before following the disappearance. though i might be happy, i still can’t help feeling sore and puzzled about this whole bizarre thing!

 

it is a kinda ironic and sarcastic.. well i don’t know… it’s just weird.

 

once, i asked him "did u get together with me for sex?" he was really defensive. and said "i am puzzled! where did you get that impression?!"

— well… in response NOW that i think back at what u had said, i have to tell u this… I AM PUZZLED TOO!!! MORE PUZZLED THAN U COS I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IMPRESSION OF ME HAVE U FORMED IN UR MIND.

 

we went to the movies one day. and he said to me.. keep the tickets. keep it in ur wallet. so what mean? i had the impression he wanted me to keep em so that i can look back and reminsnce the time we spent together. after that, he said he’ll send me home cos it’s pretty late.. and he should leave a good impression on my parents – i see that as a serious step towards a long term relationship.

but alas… it doesn’t appear to be so.

 

a few occasions, he did things and said things that really assured me that this was gonna be a long term rship… things like… when am i gonna cook for him, when am i gona bring him up to meet my parents… asked me to buy him a raffles hotel mooncake cos i kept saying it’s nice… well.. many things.

but again.. it was not meant to be.

 

though i tell people that he’s a bastard….. actually… inside me………… he’s there. i refuse to believe that he is one… because his actions, the way he talk… it doesn’t seem like he acts this way.

 

oh well… 🙂 thanks everyone for tryin to cheer me up. fully appreciate 🙂 

i can’t help feeling lousy

4 days into misery. enough already ms tan! u can cry till the cows come home. u can wait till the whole world dies, and he wouldn’t feel even a teeny weeny pinch in his heart. for he is… a vagina.

 

no wonder he calls himself j-vagina.

 

till now… i’m still in a serious state of denial. i really do not believe that he will do a thing like that? it just came as a shock to me… and i still am very much in a state of shock. but… i don’t hate him. i don’t know why.. i just can’t bring myself to hate him. i don’t think he is bad as a person… see what this is? it’s denial.

 

until lyd told me…. then i realised… that it’s probably time to let go and get on with my life. and not brooding over it. it’s difficult…. but just give me 2 weeks. 2 weeks, i’ll be fully recovered. trust me.

 

yesterday, i forgot to give credits to my friends who celebrated my birthday to me. sorry… i was just so caught up in my misery that…….. i can’t view things in the most optimistic way.

 

xl, sc and qx came together to celebrate my birthday. at juju japanese hot pot. nice pressies too…. things i always wanted ever since i started going out with him. but now he’s gone…. initially i didn’t know what to do with the presents. but ….. i have to still look good to prepare for the next person entering my life right? even though i suspect this person won’t arrive till i’m 24. i am not going to step into a relationship that easily from now on. or perhaps i would…. to help me get over a bastard. what if this new person is a bastard as well? then… i must be one hel of a bastardized girl. *bitter*. i’m so gonna slap on the dead sea body mud tonight… thanks girls 🙂 i luv the shishedo moisturizer too… it makes me feel so hydrated. i’ve been pretty dry for quite some time. hee… *hugs*

thankful to all the others whose smses flooded my inbox… but i feel happy… sometimes it’s those little smses that make such a difference… isn’t it? sms is monotonous. but…… i guess the people who send it are lively? lol no idea…

 

thanks jwo for ur concern…. i luv u.. 🙂

 

okay from tomorrow onwards… i promise to snap out of my misery. initially i was planning to confront him at his workplace. but i think that must be the stupidest thing to do. the harm is already done. so what if i managed to confront him? he might not tell me the truth. worst, he might run away and i’ll be runing after him panting like a fat dog and tears running down. embarassing. so… i just let go… am sure things happen for a reason.

 

perhaps i should fly to uk to get away from things around here for a short while…

 

i don’t know why i don’t hate him. why ah?? am i stupid or what…

 

anyway. 881 is a seriously nice movie with a wonderful sound track. been listening to it for the past 6 hours….

unable to…

it’s still proving difficult for me to reconcille the fact that he’s left my life as fast as he entered.

 

i keep questioning myself what have i done wrong, that he just left me like that. there was no sign, no clue no nothing. the time we were together was very short…. he even talked about impressing my mum.. urging me to go home early so that my mum willnot worry and that she will not be unhappy. he even suggested getting mooncakes for my mum… he even sounded like he was interested in joining us for the kelong trip… we even talked about his career… i had the impression that we had something going on… he seemed so real, so sincere. i felt like he really cared…..

 

but who would have known something like this will happen?

 

he said he wanted to eat something i cooked. so i baked him a cake. never mind about receiving negative feedback…. i”m still happy. he asked me not to go online and to go to bed. i did. i did whatever a good girlfriend would have done. but why does it still happen this way?

 

worst of all……….. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.

 

i know it’s all over… but i’m like still in a state of denial. if he doesn’t tell me why… i can’t bring myself to believe this has happened. why? i really don’t know why… i can’t figure it out AT ALL…

 

man… if u’re reading this… can u please just tell me why? i just need a reason. whatever stupid the reason might be… just tell me. for me to snap out of this delusion, this misery.

 

i feel so stupid suddenly. i must have been right all along. why would any sane good looking person go out with a fat and ugly girl? that was just wishfull thinking on my part….. i actually thought i must be damn lucky to find someone like this. but alas, that was just an illusion. i really hope to snap out of this soon… it’s taking a toll on my health. i haven’t been able to sleep properly. i wake up in the middle of the night, heart thumping… and i can never go back to sleep after that. what can i do…..? i really wanna know WHY… is explaining that difficult? i thought stuff like that happens only in your teenage years…. that people are irresponsible and immature enough to handle breakups… but why does this happen in adulthood? i don’t understand..

 

can someone tell me what happened? 

 

you believe in karma? i sure as hell believe it now…….

 

2 years ago… in my previous relationship, i left my ex a few days before his birthday without giving a valid reason. 2 years later… when i decided to finally step into a long lasting relationship (at least from what i see)….. the person has to do this to me. it sure is a vicious cycle…

 

i thought i could be strong and shrug my shoulders and just forget the whole thing…… but i couldn’t. i had to break down in front of a friend who isn’t close to me. it was embarassing… i ought to be shot…

painful lesson

 i guess a song perfectly describes my feeling today…

 

祝我身日快乐

 

happy birthday, nicole.

 

this must be the saddest birthday you ever had. but be optimistic because you have wonderful friends around u. you have wonderful family members and relatives who care about u, who love you more than anyone else, more than any stranger in the world. just take it as a painful lesson learnt. and try not to be too trusting. assess before committing. and never ever listen to ur heart more than ur brain. ever.

 

i still feel very bitter about the whole incident. after thinking for 3 nights, i have no idea what went wrong. haven’t i been supportive enough, haven’t i given enough? the only reason i can think of, is that he is just a player. how he manages to act so well, i have no clue, no idea at all. he’s probably married for all i know…

 

i will find ways to forget this painful and nasty incident. i could even try to not remember he even stepped into my life. i’d rather hold pleasant memories of him tutoring me.. than to hold painful memories of him tutoring me the irony of life. but of course it will never be like this. how can anyone forget a hurt so great? the most one can do is just to toss it at the back of ur brain.. and start living.

 

today, i’m better than yesterday night. yesterday night, i was better than yesterday morning. each section of the day i get better. the pain gets less, the feeling gets numb.

 

for these days of unsettleness, i have to thank two special friends. adri and cow.. who stood by me. adri has always been there… be it my coding problems or my insecurity, he’s always been there to calm me down. cow…. always helps. i’m ever so grateful to this person’s presence, wisdom, his ability to read me like a book, and his ability to tune in to my senses, my frequency. thank u…

only trust ur heart…

if you want to be naiive.

 

this just comes as a shock to me. till now… i still keep asking myself what have i done, in this world… that anyone should treat me like this? like dirt, like a ball, i’m just tossed aside. for things… i probably never know i did wrong. yup… it’s all over. it just crumbled like that, without no reason whatsoever.

 

i had doubts about him…. and now it seems like my doubts were not doubts but accurate bad vibes. i should have trusted my mind.. and not my heart.

 

i don’t know why he just left like that. it’s like…… i helped him with so many things. i baked a cake for him, i helped design his postcards for marketing himself to people… i told people to support him…. i did all i can…… and this is what i get. fuck…

 

this is wat i chose……. to love bastards.

 

 

 

 

to love bastards.

 

bastards.

 

anyway…. i have a wonderful family. i actually broke down when i was at the temple praying to my ancestors… my aunts saw me crying… and were so nice towards me. they brought me out for lunch… even had ice cream, allowing me to break my diet without uttering a single word… brought me to the movies… watched 881.. it was nice… and one of them bought me a baby-g watch. thanks so much everyone… they are all highly appreciated.

 

u know… i’m so silly. the things that he’s doing to me…. somehow… i am still giving him the benefit of doubt… somehow i don’t believe that he’s doing this to me and i keep telling myself perhaps he’s overseas though…. a fool would know that he is actually avoiding me. there really isn’t any hint or any clue whatsoever that led to this… if he had planned to leave me… why did he even feel apologetic for not being able to spend time with me…? sigh… i’m such an idiot.

ironic.

  to think i actually said…. "i prefer bastards"

Quote

finally

finally – the web server is set up. BUT!!! unexpected problems…. it’s either they haven’t really set it up (yet they sent us the connection details)… or my internet connection’s cocked up. but it doesn’t seem that way. gosh.. to think i have to wait. and wait.. and w….a….i…..t. it’s so frustrating! all my life i’m waiting. ahha… it’s kinda true, don’t you think so? we’re always waiting for something. be it the bus, waiting to be served, waiting for the sun to shine, waiting for sunset, waiting for us to turn 21… we’re always waiting. gives us somethin to look forward to.

 

but i can’t tolerate having to wait for things that i need it to be done fast. efficiency is important when you’re selling your service. for this web hosting company, i’ve read good reviews about them…. but oh well… let’s give them a second chance.

 

i see my friend’s nick. she sounds sad… i’m concerned about her, but i dare not. i do not wanna agitate her cos i haven’t been able to work on her website.. sob. i feel like a loser.

 

made a friend at the gym. funny. at first i thought he was new as he didn’t seem to know how to use the x-trainer. and i was like telling him how. he just looked at me meekly and gave a super half hearted smile. i thought he was a chinese national after he didn’t respond for a few times. so.. i just ignored him and watched him from the side of my eyes. he was paddling backwards and was like losing his balance. at the resting area, i was reading this newspaper and he chatted me up. (wow, chatted me up ) he’s not NEW!! he’s been in the club for like 2 years.. but he just felt too tired to work out.. that’s why he was acting in a trance-like manner. we chatted for slightly more than an hour.. and we’re meetin up on saturday for gym session. oh boy.. i hope we’ll just be gym frens that’s all… cos he’s not the kidna guy i’d like.. he’s so "guan-ish"… he’s shy. i prefer bastards.. besides, i have a bf. i hope me smiling to him and laughing with him doesn’t send him the wrong signals.

precarious

why is is so difficult…..? 

 

oh well i guess… if that person is sincere he will contact me somehow… if not then…. i should just shrug it off and continue living. it’s easier said than done of course…. 

 

i remember telling js that if i were to be given a chance to be with him, even if it’s just for a short period, i wouldn’t mind. but the truth is…….. it matters a lot. i don’t just want to be with him for a short period… i want this to last, i really do. oh god…. what am i suppose to do now? i’m feeling all flighty and unsettled…

i am so deprived

i’m a hopeless chocolate despot. i’ve been deprived of chocolates and candies for sooo long……… well not really. haha.. but mmmm i can’t stop myself from walking to the fridge to get a bar of chocolate. i’ve eaten like 1/3 of the bar of cadbury old gold. not exactly yummy but it settles nice in my mouth, on and teeth, and down my throat. 

 

and….. i need to say this, teng, but i do not have the sexiest undies in the group okay… i wonder if u’ve ever seen my undies. i happened to wear black plain boy shorts that night right… i think YOU probably have the sexiest undies! i’m sure heather has!!! i’ve seen it k. lol… who can i give the boob job gift to? i don’t think anybody wants it. well… yeah your picture is now my wallpaper, baby. are u happy? lol…

 

i am now slacking BECAUSE.. i don’t know how to carry on with my work. well.. as usual…. this time i have problems with CSS. scripting a print-friendly page. i might be able to complete most of my tasks today. yippee! they’re all pretty easy. just this print friendly function… is proving a chore. sounds easy… looks easy……… and it’s probably quite easy. but why can’t i figure it out?

 

oh… u know what? my bonnie chap is back. ha ha ha i’m so happy! but then he’d be gone again soon. urgh.. i should just tie him to my staircase so that he wouldn’t go anywhere. well of course, i can’t. and oh boy… the postcards are out.. i must say………. IT LOOKS PRETTY NICE!!!!!

 

can’t wait to stop work. 31st august is probably my last day!! and i’m soooo excited. excited about the kelong trip too! right sc qx!!! hahaha… okie better get crackin on that css problem.

 

i can’t resist. lol… look at the picture. that’s my lesbian. LOL no. that is the magazine centrefold model who unbashedly snapped 5 pictures of hers.. one shamelessly roping heather in cos she probably didn’t want to look over-narcisstic. in whatever case, she already is. lol… and these girls are my friends from sp. say hi to them! wonderful bunch. ha ha ha. now i feel so guilty cos i’m such a lousy friend. i don’t even know what they like!!! sob sob… cailing i will never buy u a boob job!!!!!

back to square 1

boohohoo!!!!! to think i was so proud for carbo loading!! LOOK!!!! i carbo loaded and i gained my weight back!!!! URGH!!!!!! LAO KUI LA!!!!! okay i gained 1kg back. hrmph. i don’t care… i’m going back to my diet. hrmph!!! i don’t want that man to come back and then i’ve gone fatter!!! but then again… u can’t see any difference in 1-2kgs. hahaha…

 

urgh…. i don’t feel like eating suddenly anymore. 

 

let’s do one legged lunges! 50 reps! let’s do normal lunges! 50 reps! let’s do 50 squats!! stretch those glutes baby!! climb the stairs! chase after crystal! wahahaha……….

 

oh my god i feel so disgusted with myself. i feel unbeautiful!!! i feel unpretty!! i feel worthless… me and my 2 kg. mamaaaaaaaa

 

 

nah i’m just destressing but i really feel guilty about my 1-2kg weight gain. i can’t reach my target of 5kgs a month! i reached and i foiled it.

 

i so luv the watch the spheroids bought me. wahaha THANK U SO MUCH BABES!!! i luv y’all! i’m not having any prata for the whole year! 

carbo loading

dunno what’s wrong with me. been carbo loading for the past few days. today it was worst – cos i met up with the spheroids. hahaha. what great fun!! stuffing crackers, wedges and nuggets into mymouth while playing card games at minds. lol…. plus root beer float. ohhh how soft drinks soothe my throat… it’s such a nice feeling, to pig out, and to laugh a lot.

 

we played some pretty fun games. so there was a lot of laughter.. just like the good old days. haha… great fun! but now i know what a lousy friend am i and how easy am i to be read like a book – seems like everyone knows what i like and i don’t know what people like -_-" kinda ironic cos i always thought i know people well. hahaha. well, i’m wrong!

 

the girls got me this really nice puma watch which i’ve looked at it for a couple of times whenever i pass by a watch shop. it’s a wonderful watch. i luv it so much.. thanks girls! they’re so cute… they just dumped the watch package onto the car seat and when i got in i thought what was that i just dumped it behind me. no wonder teng was lingering outside the car for such a long time. hmmm… lol it’s funny cos back in australia mick and liuyong used the same technique. kinda like deja vu. LOL. wrong use of words! but anyways…. i was happy today. laughter IS really the best medicine.

 

boss called just now. as soon as my colleague’s gone, seems like things are going wrong in the website and i’m getting kinda worried cos i won’t know how to fix the problems. urgh. it’s alright.. just a week more. i just need to endure. i feel bad that i’m still lamenting over the nature of my job when the company’s in serious trouble with close to zero manpower. but then again… like what we discussed in IR today, MEN ARE SELFISH. if not 100%, then 99%. we will never act out of pure interest to another person. somehow, it must be because we believe in karma or we are just investing our time presently in exchange for rewards in future.  i’d better read more world news from now on :s

 

okie time to sleep.. nite!