hurray!!!

thank god granny is fine now!!! not discharged yet, but at least we know that she’s on the path to recovery. she was admitted to hospital on tuesday for internal bleeding due to stomach ulcer. it was really scary cos at one point when they were putting in to scope through her throat, she started gagging and vomitted blood clots. can you imagine vomitting blood clot?! i haven’t seen anything like that and i was scared. anyway… doctor said she could discharged in a day or two. yippee!!! she’s really one strong woman, this granny. even though she’s not allowed to eat, she still kept smiling and laughed a lot. unlike my other grandma who would thrw tantrums. but this granny.. when she’s angry…… she’s really really fierce!!!

 

while i was lying on my bed this afternoon, i suddenly thought of my late grandma just before i was about to drift off to sleep. i don’t know what i thought about her, but i started sobbing. i really miss having her by my side. oh well……… i just have to let go 🙂 grandma, come to my dreams tonight!!!!!

 

yesterday, there was this networking session organised by the school for the top 10% of the graduating cohort. i was at the library. and since 10am or even earlier, 2 tables were piled with books. but no one came to the table till about 3pm? and they were dressed in formal – they were the students who were going for the networking session. sometimes i feel that people who are up there are pretty inethical. like… why are they booking the table for as long as 8 hours just to put their bags there? during the peak hour, so many people were trying to find a seat at the square tables and because of this inconsiderate bunch of people, they had to walk away in dismay. i really wanted to throw away their books. sigh. anyway.. i guess it shouldn’t bother me so much… perhaps i would have done the same if i was in the top 10%. then i’ll be an inconsiderate bitch.

 

i need to study very hard for the exams these 2 years…. hope i can still rescue my results and not get a third class. sigh! i need to get a job soon.. my family… and i… can already feel that financial crunch.

 

 

frustration

i feel so frustrated… just need to get this off my chest

 

i miss you humour, I MISS U!!!!!!

u don’t know it, u don’t believe it, i miss u!! i don’t give a flying shit if you don’t like to see me; i don’t give a flying shit if you don’t miss me; i don’t even give a flying shit that you don’t read this space anymore. the matter of fact is that you have always been in my mind even though i deny it. but i can’t deny myself that fact that i fucking miss u so so so much!!!! and so what that i miss u?! i’ll never get anything out of it? i just want to spend whatever time i have with u, and u have with me. it’s the time spent together that matters… not….. i don’t know what. who knows what will happen when i’m gone for 4 months? perhaps u’ll be gone with the wind… like what happened in the past? i’m just too afraid of u disappearing from my life. it’s unthinkable, yet so real. i fucking miss u!!!

 

well…. this obviously doesn’t help at all. i still miss u like crazy.

irritated

can u believe it?!!! i just bought a new camera for like less than 2 weeks…. and the charger is not working!!! so i went to the service centre and i said to the girl,"hi, there’s something wrong with my charger. can you please find out what’s wrong?" she said okay, please wait… so she went into the office for like 25 mins and came out giving me a piece of paper which states "defect part: LENS – replaced". my lens was alright… so why change the lens?? so anyway… doesn’t matter that i have a new lens. what would my camera be of use if my charger can’t charge my battery. so i got her colleague to check my battery and charger for me since that girl who served me walked off in a huff. she didn’t even turn her head when i called her – cos i didn’t believe that the lens was the only defect. anyway.. the other girl was quite nice.. waited for a while and tried to see what was wrong with the charger. took it into the room to the technician and emerged 10 mins later with a new battery. but i was still doubtful. but then it was the first girl who handed me the piece of paper stating" defect part : battery – replaced" and she looked so gloomy… that i didn’t even feel like asking her to double check. i said "U CONFIRM THIS WILL WORK OKAY!" she said "confirm." with a straight face. stupid woman. felt like slapping her. doesn’t she even know how to SMILE?!!!! ARGH… anyway… took home…………………………………

 

THE CHARGER IS STILL NOT CHARGING.

 

i’m so fucking irritated now!!!!! my brother’s POP is on wednesday and now I have to go borrow camera from people. urgh.

 

anyways, other than the battery and charger problem, the camera’s quite cool. i’m very surprised casio didn’t do anything about this problem since my aunt who uses the same camera experiences the same problems…. stupid eh? do u call it myopia? in marketing terms?

numb lips, numb tongue

that’s because i spent 4 hours french kissing my instrument during band practice today!!!! and i can’t believe they still feel numb after so many hours. i couldn’t hit the high notes halfway through rehearsal. i could hit them easily in the past!!!! argh.. i think i have to spend more effort in trying to get my golden skills back. it’s really frustrating when it’s ur glory moment, ur solo… when u can’t hit the high notes. it’s even better when u have another solo and u realise u don’t have the score with u. that’s really classic. playing in a band is really rewarding… truly nostalgic. i would say… it gives me a certain healing feeling. i feel much better today… no longer that emotional.

 

dad is funny. he’s trying to improve his english or something i think…. reading aloud the newspaper article.

 

 

 

 

diu… romantic face

today, i went to the office. and in the afternoon, two singhs opened the door and came in. one approached my colleague and the other approached me. they’re both fortune tellers. and the guy who approached me started his line with,"sister, u have a romantic face." and what in the hell’s bells is a romantic face? if i had a romantic face.. wouldn’t i have men around the world falling in love with me?! that’s not happening. lol… well he went on to say that i am actually a very happy person outside but inside i’m very sad. which was right at the point of time but i keep thinking he’s a cheat cos he cheated my mum. then he wanted to look at my palm and i was so tempted.. but i kept saying no. seeing me say no, my colleague said no as well… then after that we both confided each other that we always wanted to give them our palms to take a look and have our fortunes read. lol.. don’t know if any harm will be done but.. well………….. 🙂

 

something has been bothering me since last night. i always thought that i’ve treated people pretty well…. especially to a certain someone. i think i’ve given many things to him which i would never and have never given to anyone. but that was what i have always been feeling… till yesterday. then i realised that………. even though i claim to do many things for him….. i don’t remember any concrete things that i have done, other than skipping school and staying out just to accompany that person. i feel so selfish, so useless suddenly. like… it’s as if i just want to be there to enjoy stuff but never to give out anything…. then i realise i probably treat friends this way too. which means…. i’ve been leading a very disillusioned life, thinking that i’m such a generous giver. which in fact.. i am not any of these at all. i’m just a selfish cunt. selfish. then…. it really hit me hard….. that it’ll never ever be possible for us to be an item. and each time i think i’ve succeeded in making this whole friendship platonic, i just go home devastated one fine day. pathetic!!!!! and i’m so frustrated with myself. argh. EXAMS!!!

 

suddenly, i miss my poly friends… hence i uploaded the song we recorded in those days… Friends for Life.

ill

i thought i was strong!!! and i kept standing near my ill aunt trying to prove to myself that my immune system was strong. but apparently now. i just woke up – at 4 something in the morning… and when i got out of bed, i lost my balance. and my fan is on at its lowest.. and i’m wearing long pants, jacket and socks. covering my blanket all the way to my head. i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad before. i hope i get well soon.. there’s so many things i need to do.

 

well many interesting things have happened since my last blog entry. so much that… i can’t even recall a single thing.

 

one funny thing was that i was listening to class95 one night and there was this guy who called in to dedicate a song. apparently he’s a banker who wants to woe another banker. so he said this, "to xxx, if your other suitors are your *was it consumer banker*, i would be your private banker". it’s definitely done in distaste. it’s as good as saying "you are my intelchipset and i am your mother board" – relevant to the IT industry. and "you are my premium plan and i am your annuity payout". lame.

 

that day i was having a headache and adri found some youtube videos to try to make me better. i’ll share it here. watch them one after the other!

 

today, i went to change my revision class slot… and … i had to pay an admin fee. school sure knows how to make money!!! but thank god it’s just 21.40 and not the usual 50 odd dollars… i would really feel the pinch. i’m actually really scared of my exams. it’s the fear of failure. i really try to make sure i understand stuff before going on.. but it seems like…. i understand today and forget tomorrow. i wonder what’s going on in my brain. like, do i even have one. it sucks. i can’t even contain fresh information. it goes away after a while, like in a day…. then again i’m really scared that i can’t get the job i want when i first find a job. i fear that if i were to settle for other jobs, i’d be stuck at a job i loathe forever. but i think right now what i should be concerned with, is my exams, right?

i had a talk with my dad today. he said he’s spent a lot of money on me, on my overseas trips (to australia then, and now to usa)… but he doesn’t mind. cos i’m his daughter. i felt really bad.. cos i’m such a spend thrift. and he held my hands as if i was his wife. of course… i’m not. just not used to it. like i’m standing there, and he’s sitting there and just looking at my eyes and talking to me and holding my hands, fiddling with my ring. lol… dad’s a nice guy when he’s not drunk.

the race to blame

as if you get a prize for putting the most blames on people.

 

i wonder why people are so quick to criticize and comment when someone commits a mistake even though he has always tried to be perfect and because of this, people are quick to criticise him. how come people don’t acknowledge openly the things that someone has done well and quick to point their finger at a single mistake one has did?

 

u know the singaporean terrorist? he’s such an idiot. they call his stint, the Toilet Break. how aptly named… but a few of my friends were also quick to find fault with the officers for allowing that guy to run away just like that. it’s not that i don’t share their sentiments… but sometimes i feel that there isn’t a clear line as to how to carry out orders, maybe… if there was a choice, no one would ever have let that terrifying terrorist run away like that, right? and the best thing is that.. everyone is quick to blame someone but no one seems to want to do anything concrete to salvage the situation. but well in this case.. i don’t think we can do anything much but to just be vigilant. For once, this slogan is relevant.

 

but sometimes i’m really shamed to be a singaporean. though i have to admit i’m quite proud of my homeland… i think many singaporeans feel the same way even though we don’t openly say it. this shows when u’re abroad. once i was on a tour around san francisco.. and we were on the tour bus with several other tourists from other states and also a german guy, and a singaporean trio. then we were asked to introduce ourselves and the three singaporeans shouted "we’re from singapore!! hahaha!" of course.. part of me beamed with pride. but it immediately turned into embarassment when the tour guide responded "oh wow, singapore is a fine city, i heard. they fine you for gum!" god. why did he have to say that? anyway… why am i shy to be a singaporean? is because………………….. it seems like we’re forever complaining (yes, like what i’m doing now)… and forever quick to push the blame to others and adding salt to the wound, if matters weren’t worse enough.

 

been watching lydia sum’s memorial service….. she’s got really a fantastic character. even though she’s fat, she didn’t allow it to bring her down. she just embraced it and looked at things positively. better to make everyone laugh with u rather than making everyone feel sorry that u’re fat, ain’t it? 🙂 but i still think i should lose weight. just for the sake of an easy sailing career.

 

and oh, i think my dad is really cool. though he drinks and all….. i’m proud that he actually has the initiative and motivation to learn chinese even though he’s 67 this year. he’s been working at this company after his retirement for near to a year now.. and because he constantly has to communicate with chinese workers who don’t really know how to speak english, he has taken it upon himself to learn chinese. and now… he speaks really well! well… of a reasonable standard.. considering he only started learning chinese in the past year. now that he knows how to speak, he hopes to be able to write in another year. he also expressed his interests in learning hindi. lol.. good dad. but…….. *touch wood* i don’t know how long he’ll live.

 

procrastination

less than 11 hours.. and i’m still blogging, wasting my time… when my international relations mock exam is tomorrow! looks like i’m gonna make a mockery either to the exam or, the exam to me. either way.

 

anyway, looking at the title….. i haven’t used this word for ages. probably because i felt that it’s passe to mention the word since now u hardly hear it anymore.. right? it’s probably more chic to just say "i’m fking lazy". nothing beats honesty eh? haha..

 

recently, this leader of a terrorist group ran away. he must be a magician cos… given the high security at the detention centre, he shouldn’t have gotten away too easily. one of my friends said he watched too much of prison break. no idea. but then again… in such a place where there is rarely any racial or religious discrimination, why would he want to turn into a terrorist when basically… people wouldn’t have provoked him? places like afghanistan, pakistan.. i can perfectly understand why… cos they usually are poor.. and they probably want to get attention so that they can get what they want, maybe…. but here? i think he’s crazy.

 

today… i felt really awkward. she came over to our place for lunch…… and it seems as if she’s ignoring me. sometimes i don’t know what’s with our relationship. it’s like…. hot and cold all the time. i hate it….. it’s really weird that things turn out this way. i don’t know whether to hate myself, or to hate her. of course the best is not to hate anyone.. but…….. it really gives me nightmares. annoying!!! and she has such an eccentric, bizarre character.. it’s hard to read what she wants.

 

maybe…………………. i shouldn’t go for mock tomorrow.