thoughts

why are people stressing me with problems i do not even want to think about at this crucial point in time? what can be more important than the exams? OH, the TRAVEL TRIP to USA? or, my grandma’s cancer? exercise? keeping track of the cohen’s diet? cleaning crystal’s ears?

USA IS SHIT, SERIOUSLY. what a bad time.

what can be so important that it has to take a center stage in my life?

can’t these things wait? till after the exams? why do i have to tackle them now? i’m already having enough problems trying to get my mind into studying — and people are not helping in any way.

it’s one of those days i hope my guardian angels are around. where are u, all those people i look up to when i have troubles? u are all not here. guess i’m alone, for tonight.

somebody, tell me what to do. i’ve never felt so lost my whole life.

suddenly, i really feel like breaking down.

yesterday

Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized that they start in may.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.

Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it’s looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.

I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come the
day in may, I’ll get on
my knees and pray…

Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury’s just, 2 weeks away.

What I
have to show
I don’t know,
pascal won’t say.
I’ll stop
studying black scholes, or I’ll bomb..
…. there goes my "A"…

Yesterday.
Thought of graduating with an A.
Now it looks as though I can only say,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.

d-day

in this case, it marks the day to decide the treatment: chemotherapy, radiotherapy or a full gastrectomy. it’s kinda scary….. seems like none of the 3 only ways is ideal. but something needs to be done. i hope whatever treatment is chosen….. she won’t have to go through a great deal of pain and discomfort. at her age….. i don’t know how much can she withstand.

 

why do things always have to happen in the month of april? it’s scary.

 

just 21 more days to my exam. in another 20 mins, it’ll be 20 days. and ………. i’m not even half prepared. knowledge and content doesn’t stay in my brain for long. yet, i know i can’t count on last minute studies. what can be done? i guess… just try to study without knowing how much information is stored in my corrupt database.

 

everyone in the family is silent. they’re worried about the outcome. they’re worried about making the wrong decision. and me? i feel the same. i mean, i don’t feel the intensity of it all. i just trust everything will be alright. just like how i trusted that my late grandma has never actually gone away even at that moment where she was pushed into the crematoriam. i still didn’t think she was gone. until a few months later.

 

everything’s gonna be alright…. right?

caffeine intoxicated

i just received an espresso maker. my dream caffetiera. all you have to do it unscrew, fill it up with water, fill up the coffee powder compartment, put it over the stove, and you get your coffee in 2 mins! simply WONDERFUL!!!! but you’ll really get a huge dose of caffeine in that much coffee powder and that little water!!! after drinking, i can say that i am indeed intoxicated. for a first in my life, i felt giddy after drinking that. in fact, i can safely say – i am drunk after drinking this tazza di caffe!

exams is in 21 days. scared stiff. somehow i can’t really study in the day. have problems memorizing things. seem to memorize better at night, but my brain switches off at 4am every day… so i guess it’s really a race against time huh… my friend said something very logical. why do we always have to torture ourselves by mugging at night instead of in the day? yeah the hours spent studying are the same, if not LESS… but somehow it seems more productive when we do it overnight. perhaps psychologically, we feel good as we feel like we study harder just because we are combating sleep to study. lol… though it seems counter productive, it probably feeds on our ego or something? morale? haha…

i hate aprils. ever since my late grandma passed away last may. she got hospitalized in april. and now… my maternal grandma has got stomach ulcers which are caused by stomach cancer. i don’t know what to do now. i think she’s been trying to stay strong…. smiling and laughing a lot. but nobody knows whether she feels pain or not cos she always has high pain tolerance. well i hope she can at least live long enough for me to graduate. i don’t have much to talk to her… because she can’t respond to what i say… but i always try to make her smile and laugh a lot. it warms my heart when she laughs like that. please, God, please don’t give me another April/May nightmare. don’t let this be an annual episode, please..

music is the food of soul

today, i bought a mouthpiece. at first i was at plaza singapura… walked into yamaha.. wanted to get a dennis wick mouthpiece. but golly, it’s a whooping 115 dollars! well… it should be around that price… i guess. since it uses up more metal to create it. lol.. plus it’s branded… but alas, i’m saving for my usa trip. so… i can’t spend that amount on that mouthpiece. and i really need to get a mouthpiece cos the concert is in a month… and my embouchure is really like shit now. but luckily i called my senior and bought a besson one from him at just 40 dollars!! haha.. wat a steal!

 

so we were talking about the old days… when we were still under our previous conductor. i really like him a lot. he made us grow as persons.. like, he helped shape characters into our personality. he trained us to be better persons. but now, looking at the young generation.. it’s like they’re only trained in musicianship, nothing else. they don’t even know how to maintain their instruments. sigh…

 

 

religion, money woes

isn’t it sad that relationships are spoilt either due to differences in religion, or due to money?

 

i think if it’s due to money.. it’s not as serious as splitting up due to religion. basically.. people are greedy.. and they probably need money for different reasons. but religion?

 

i wonder why families, or even a couple can split up due to differences in religion. is it a sin not to be christian? it’s not that i don’t believe in God. I do, it’s just that, according to a friend, my calling is not due yet. something like this. there are times when i really want to go to church.. and people have urged me to go. times like that, i will definitely go. but when i don’t have the urge…. i wish some people will stop urging me to go. i feel pressurized. by then, church becomes not a peaceful place… but  a pressure pot. it makes people dislike that particular religion.

 

have you came across people who say "if u don’t believe in god, u’re going straight to hell?"

 

i hate it when they say that. okay, perhaps it’s true that if i’m not christian, i’ll end up in hell. but… we’re still all living beings. need you put it so crudely?

 

i hate to see also that a happy family can be split up because u are christian, and i am not. what can be more important than kins related through blood? are brothers and sisters of christianhood more close to you than your real blood brothers and sisters?

 

sad huh? i feel sad. i wish someone would give that old lady her due respect and let her make her own decision.

smart alec

i really hate it during this period, like NOW!!!

 

times like this, i really feel like closing myself away from the rest of the world. times like this, i feel like strangling anyone that opposes me.

 

it’s like…. during this period, i think that i’m some smart ass and everyone else is stupid. if they rebuke what i say, i get pissed and i suddenly feel like strangling them.

 

times like this, i’m not easily satisfied. a few words do not suffice my appetite. i need more. but why do u keep repeating whatever u have been saying to me for the past few years? it’s boring me already. well, i’m already bored. i wish u’d change ur line. at this moment, i feel like strangling u.

 

times like this, i feel that i’m right about everything. and if you were to reject my proposal or give stupid excuses, u’ll really make me have the impression that u are indeed stupid.

 

and……… i really hate myself during this period. i become so narrow minded, so cocky. i should just bury a hole somewhere and just suck dirt. that’ll keep my mouth shut for a while.

 

"all the best; good night; have u lost weight" is that all the speech u can muster for 5 years of friendship and 1 year of relationship?!!!

 

i really should try to stop being what i perceive to be a genuinely nice person. so much for courtesy. so much for waiting for people. at the end of the day, i’ll just be at the losing end. what happens when u try to be courteous and let everyone get off the bus before u get off? when u’re about to get off, someone takes u for granted and refuses to let u go first. or people behind u will tsk tsk.. hinting that u’re stupid because u’re making everyone wait to get off the bus. how stupid can u get?