cool!

i don’t know what to feel

and i shouldn’t be concentrating on what i’m feeling, because even if i’m sad, angry, disappointed, it’s not going to change a single thing. he will still be with her, and they will still be happy together.

 

yesterday, i went clubbing. drank quite a bit and felt really light. i couldn’t really walk straight. it’s a nice feeling. but i can’t say i didn’t think of him the whole night through. on my way to brewerks, i passed by central. memories came flooding back. i used to shop at central – to buy food for him. i’d walk the whole of central and scout the nearby places to see if i can find any decent food. then… merchant court triggered a response in me. i felt angry. probably the name i saw on that invoice was that of hers… and that they used to meet up there.

 

thinking back, i think it’s probably a good thing to be away from him. maybe the reason why i love him is just superficial – what, just because i’ve never met a guy as handsome as him? NUTS. but it could be true. he was nice to me, but not exceptional. if i were to compare what he’s doing to this current girl and to me, it’s very different. he’s never expressed any feelings for me before. we’ve never went out publicly. well once or twice, but i’m always trying to catch up with him. he walks really fast. and chases me home (in a nice way) suddenly because "you don’t look happy with me". i don’t think that happens when they were together because they were caught in public by some friends. and if they weren’t acting lovey dovey, they wouldn’t get caught and their lives wouldn’t be spun out of the ordinary.. right? but i guess right now, i can only deceive myself in order to neutralize my feelings for him yah? of course, i would still love to have him as a friend. he’s really nice to talk to. well, rather, joke to. he never fails to bring out all the emotions in me. when i’m with him, i laugh my heart out – and i cry my heart out the moment my head hits my pillow because, it ended so fast. everything.

 

walking along clarke quay, i remember when we first "got together" – before he decided he didn’t want to commit to a relationship – i was going zouk with the sexpots. he said "i don’t like girls to go clubbing or drinking". and he wanted me to go back. i couldn’t. i guess at that point in time, i hated to disappoint my friends. though after that i told them i’m not gonna drink anymore because my bf doesn’t like me to do so. i guess that’s the reason why the girl is 1 billion times better than me. for him, she can skip work. for her, he can skip work. for him, she can forego her own happiness. for her, i don’t know what, but he’ll do something for her – which he has never done for me. or maybe he did, but i failed to realise. for him, i would never skip work because i don’t have the guts to do so. for him, i guess my pride stood in the way of many things and i just wouldn’t give in. for him, i went the extra mile. i usually don’t do a lot of things for my partner. they’re the ones who did most of the loving. with him, i guess i should thank him in a way because he made me grow in terms of being a good gf. he knows it too that i’ve learnt. i’ve never ironed a single shirt for a guy my whole life. even for myself.. i seldom iron. i’ve never ever went out alone just to get food for a guy. i’ve never tried to hug someone to show that i love him and to never let go. i’ve never ran out of the house late at night to accompany someone just because he is lonely. i’ve never spent so much money on someone just to make him happy. i never knew how to pamper someone. but throughout this whole 1 year and 29 days, i did all of the above. okay, money is secondary. but if money can buy someone’s happiness, why not? it’s just that everything is a first. and somehow i’m glad to learn something like this… thank u, humour hong. and most importantly, YOU SHOWED ME THAT I WAS CAPABLE OF LOVING.

 

i feel so much release after typing this post.

 

anyway, yesterday, thinking back about the fact that he doesn’t like me to drink / club, i drank like nobody’s biz. heck care. he doesn’t care. so.. why should i care…

:(

i keep lying to myself. keep telling myself that i’m happy for him and all… but the fact is, i’m very disappointed with him. and i’m not happy for them.

 

i keep writing and deleting posts. because i feel that i shouldn’t go on and on about them, about him. but i hope by writing more and more i’ll numb myself and finally, heartache doesn’t become an ache anymore – it becomes normal.

 

i keep imagining things. like how u were to me just a month ago…. how things can change in just a matter of weeks. how did it happen? and how did u treat me? what am i to u? how is it that u can treat me the way u treat me when u don’t have any feelings for me at al? i wanna know why… yet somehow i fear the answer. and yet… i think if i were to know the truth as to what u felt, i’d move on. i feel miserable, seriously. can’t u just tell me the truth everytime? why must u hide everything from me? i thought we were close and all… and… when i came back, happy to meet u again, u told me the unexpected. and u’re even going to get married. how can u do that to me in such a short time without any warning, without any hint? i can’t believe it, i refuse to believe it. yet, i know… the truth, the fact is in my face.

 

and i’m finding it godamn hard to except.

 

all in all, i think i really made u happy. i tried to please u in whatever way i can. and i don’t think i’m worst off than any other person. perhaps it’s just because I AM FAT. it must be, isn’t it?

 

am i really that undesireable, that… unlovable? if so, why did u allow me to stick to u?

 

opkay thinking back, i think i got ur hint. once, i asked u.. "why u never ask me out?" u said "cos i dun wan to disgrace u". i guess what u really meant was "cos i dun wan u to disgrace me." i feel like stopping to talk about u. it’s all over, there’s no point in talking. i wish to be ur fren… cos i still want to stay close to u. i have a really soft spot for u. but i do hope my feelings for u will go away soon.

 

i hate myself more than i hate u. i wish there was a spell to set me free cos… i’ve been feeling miserable – for way too long. and i just can’t let go. how can i let go? i really don’t know. i hate me. it sucks to be me.

LAME

my job is so fucking lame!

 

i came in at 1315hrs. i sat down and tested some stuff till 3pm. then… the server stopped working and the engineer in usa is already asleep and with this new server, i don’t know how to restart it. and i have waited from 3pm to 5pm.

 

5pm, given new task. finished at 6.

 

"can i go off now since i’ve completed everything?"

 

"no. it’s not 6.30pm yet."

 

and what am i doing? DOING NOTHING.

 

that’s damn stupid. she’s a slave driver. imagine if i start work at 8.30. i’ll be working til 6.30! and the best thing is… i have to stay just because she doesn’t want my other colleague to leave early.

 

LAME.

 

i don’t know why are there lame people around. something wrong with their brain or somethin. and when i leave late, i EAT DINNER LATE.. and it’s gonna screw up my diet. and… I’M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

mamma-mia fever

i think this movie really reminds me of him. but nah, don’t worry. i don’t feel heartache. just sometimes, u know.. u just wanna keep memories…. hee

 

when we first met….

 

Honey Honey

Honey honey, touch me, baby, ah-hah, honey honey
Honey honey, hold me, baby, ah-hah, honey honey
You look like a movie star
(You look like a movie star)
But I know just who you are
(I know just who you are)
And, honey, to say the least, you’re a dog-gone beast

 

after 2 weeks of being together, you went missing for 3 weeks. after that you resurfaced and i started to realise u kept many things from me…

 

Mamma Mia

I’ve been cheated by you since I don’t know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don’t know how but I suddenly lose control
There’s a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, w-o-o-o-oh

 

even so… i still hoped u will be mine some day. alas… that didn’t happen.

 

S.O.S.

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

 

i resigned to fate. i can only smile bravely and tell u i wish you all the best and i’m not going to go after you. this woman deserves you 1 billion times more than me.

 

The Winner Takes It All

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
Cos it makes me feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all…

 

🙂

I AM FREE!

after 1 year and 29 days, i’m finally free!

 

i met him today, we talked about his new life – and i didn’t feel a tinge of heartache. not even one. i don’t feel like crying, i don’t feel sad. in fact, i felt better. i felt good. never have i felt this good for… 1 year and 29 days!!! YAY!!! I’M SO HAPPY!!!

 

moving on to the next stage of my life…. and i’m looking forward to it!

the last heartbreak

from you. never will i be left broken hearted by you again – because there is no other time where we can be together anymore. for you have found a permanent woman in your life. i’m not even a woman. i can’t say that i feel happy for myself… well i guess it’s good. since you telling me that u’re attached has given me a chance to give up totally on starting a relationship with you. that is enough a reason for me to advance in my life.

 

thanks to you, i experienced love, care, compassion, jealousy, heartache. never in my life have i gone through so many emotions at a single time. never in my life have i loved a man as much as i loved you. never in my life did i know i was capable of getting hurt. all my life, love to me was just a game. i could love and unlove someone with the batter of an eyelid, with the snap of a finger. but with you, i just couldn’t do that. try as i might, i still loved you even though u treated me like crap sometimes, even though u made clear where do i stand in your heart. i chose to stick around. and this is what i get for sticking around. chemistry is what it takes ultimately huh… 🙂

 

at least this time it didn’t hurt that badly. i guess i’ve kinda conditioned myself to just take it easy since my last sms to you a month ago.

 

all the best, we’re history.

 

if 9 year old Cherish could say "if you love him, set him free". i guess that’s exactly what i should do.

 

i don’t know how many times i’ve said stuff like this. it is just not easy. but this time, i must do it. for u are no longer available.

 

**********************************

 

i thought i was unaffected. to think i teared when i was trying to sleep. and when i woke up, i teared again. things aren’t so bad. at least he isn’t moving on to a new woman. he’s going back to who he should have been with. i should just forget what i have done for him. you know what? i realised i haven’t done much for him. just that with him, i’ve humbled my pride and dignity. and spent a lot of money in the hope of buying his heart – behind a viel. i always tell him "to make u happy". i don’t know if that’s the real reason. i guess half half. if u love someone, u want to make him happy, so that he will remember you, right? oh well… at least i experienced things i’ve never experienced before. he taught me in some ways… and i think i’ll be a better gf to my next bf. but for now… jian fei first! jia you~

 

ending a chapter of you and starting a new chapter in life. this chapter is called "overhaul – throwing up fats and drinking knowledge."

back!

california had been a wonderful experience. before i came here, whenever people talk about america, i’d be like "what’s so great about united states?". and would be totally uninterested in that place. (i think i might be uninterested in many things. or interested in everything that nothing is of significance) but now that i went there for such a long time, i realised how nice it is. for one, they have the most beautiful national parks. but i admit i got kinda sick of national parks after lining my trips to national parks one after the other. but it’s good if one were to visit a national park, rest for maybe a week, or a month, and visit another one. the people here are nice. sometimes too nice i find myself wondering if they really meant what they said. like if u were to say "i visited yosemite". they’d say "wow really?!!! oh my god!!! that’s REALLY NICE!!!" or if u were to say "the burger there is nice". they’d say "WOW, oh my.. really! WOW" like totally exaggarated. but it kinda feels good because i’ve never met such upbeat people in my life. and i was the the restaurant, we wanted to change table to the other part of the restaurant, and the waiter said "oh, i get it. you don’t like me to be your waiter. i get it. i’ll get sam, who’ll attend to u" but it was a joke. he wasn’t offended, just acted like he was. and i actually got quite upset about it… until after that he came back and said, "will u be happy to receive glasses of water from me?" funny. the people here just say whatever they feel like saying. don’t hold back. which… is something one takes time to get used to.

 

during my trip here, i got to see sides of an unusual relationship. a relationship i can never fathom. a weird relationship. yet loving at the same time. but still weird. i get to see the ugliest side of people, and they get to see the uglier side of me. heh… but hopefully we all don’t bear grudges.

 

now that i’m back…. this year will be an important year. it’s bad that impossible stuff are happening in the financial markets. out of 5 big banks in usa, 3 have crumbled. it’s nuts. and AIG. goodness gracious. it’s a bad year to graduate this year; but i’m not sure if next year is still a bad year to graduate. hoepfully not. i’ll need to prepare myself in all ways to be desireable – in all ways.  haa… i’m determined to pull myself out of the love whirlpool. hopefully i don’t think of falling in love this whole year, until i reach my objectives. i need lots of focus. and guys, and emotions, i suppose DOESN’T HELP in focus. he haven’t replied me, though he was the first one i smsed that i’m back. too bad. just have to GET ON WITH IT. but this time, it hurts less. just ripples of feelings. not in floods.

 

i need people to help me get active!!! i bought a badminton racket! SOMEONE, JIO ME FOR BADMINTON!!!!!

california finale

here are the pics from my last week in california. and i have many thoughts about california. but pics first!

 

 malibu beach. we were actually walking along the coastline and the waves were hitting our shins. so we walked a bit further up, nearer to the houses. and suddenly, a wave hit our shins. on our right, were just houses. no where to run to if there was high tide. immediately, my aunt and i exchanged glances, and we both ran all the way back to where we came from. scary. chased by waves. close shave with death. it’s scary!!!! i shiver thinking about it.

 

our second close shave with death – on the same day – was our way back to fresno, from LA. at that time, the jam from LA has already started, so… wanting to save time, we chose on our car GPS "shortest route". who would know it would take us through a route almost NO AMERICAN know of. Route 33. PLEASE, NEVER EVER GO ON THIS ROUTE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A FULL TANK! this route. omg. THIS ROUTE!!!! took us through mountain after mountain for 200 miles. if singapore was a winding road around mountains, we’d have gone around singapore at least 4 times. when i looked down, i couldn’t see any road. it was a valley. if we were scared and went off the road, we’d tumble into the valley and no one would know. for 3 hours, i didn’t see more than 5 cars pass us by. and it was dark. scary. we were afraid of meeting bandits who would kill us and no one will know. the reception wasn’t even working!!! but i think my aunt was more scared than me cos i was too busy puking. anyways… we made it back. obviously.

 

back to malibu. maibu is supposedly the place where all the stars live in. we even went star hunting at the malibu shopping centre. wanted to go into this japanese restaurant Nobu in which a guy we met at coffeebean says he spotted Mariah Carey. but alas, it wasn’t open yet. it was only open in the evenings. that guy was funny. we asked him. do stars come in here? he said yeah… this is suppose to be the place where the stars will come by. notably starbucks and coffeebean, and this coffee bean is the exact one they frequent. but we did’t see any stars. i thought i saw someone who looked like a star. but ang mohs.. they kinda look alike. and that guy says, anyone can look like a star here. like me. and he puts on his oversized shades and bids us farewell with his low-sugar mocha ice blended. "good luck with the stars!"

 

 i guess it’s only in america that you can find Porsches and Mercedes this dirty. maybe they’re gonna be scrapped soon.

 

 prior to this trip, people always talked about visiting factory outlets when they visited america. so what do factory outlets look like? apparently, i took a wrong representation of it. it’s actually a row of stores that’s in a single level block. and they can have like 50 to a 100 stores all in a single place. it’d take at least 5 hours to finish walking around the stores. there are 9 premium outlets in california, and i visited 5. but frankly, after the first 2, i was tired out. the next 3 visits, i didn’t buy much.

 

 mongolian bbq at mountainview, which is part of silicon valley. this day, my aunt had to meet up with her friends. so i went to have dinner on my own. it’s funny how, within a single state, different places can have a huge difference in temperature. at my place, it was really warm. but at mountain view, it was cold. over here, i ate mostly asian food. vietnamese, korean, japanese, chinese. only breakfast was american – for the first 3 days. after that, i survived on fruits for breakfast.

 

 

 ritz carlton on half moon bay. i don’t know why they called it half moon bay. but it reminds me of my rejection from surf kayaking. the waves are really rough. scary. u see the way it hits onto the rocks… urgh. but i’ll still wanna try surf kayaking at some point.

 

 the rocks are full of pelicans. rare sight. though this place seems nice, the whole place smells of rotton seaweed. smells like.. fart.

 

 

 pumpkin season!!! everyone’s started to sell things for halloween. i didn’t manage to take picture of the pumpkin house. it’s nicely decorated. but we were driving by.. so… 😦 . and we even passed by this farm specializing in christmas trees! yes, rows and rows of christmas trees!!! and i wanted so much to look at strawberry shrubs. so when i was at napa valley, i came across this farm with the sign "strawberry farm". and i looked at the kinda plants and i thought THOSE were strawberry shrubs. throughout the trip, when i saw a shrub that looked like that, i said "strawberry!" then my aunt and i argued over which is strawberry and which are not. my kinda "strawberry shrubs" are actually grapevines. lol.. so whenever we pass by grape vines, she’d be like "UR STRAWBERRIES!" then finally we saw the real ones. really cute! it’s only about 30cm tall.

 

 chinatown. the roads in san francisco are really hilly. everywhere is a hill. but i only went to chinatown and pier 39 in san francisco. didn’t have time to go to other places.

 

 the legendary pier 39 – the pier i wanted to go when i was here 5 years ago. having a car is so much more convenient!

 

 

 sea lions.

 

 this is what we usualy eat. organic plants. fruits and vegs.

 

 row of ducks outside my hotel.

 

 stanford college.

 

days of our lives

DUH-_-