it’s over!

yesterday, i was down with gastric flu but i spent the entire day crying.

even though i prayed that i would not cry over him, i couldn’t help it. i guess crying was a kind of emotional relief for me… it gathered all my feelings of hate towards him. i hate him so much. i hate him so much that i wish he was dead… that is the extent of how much hate i have for him. never in my life have i ever hated someone so much. and never in my life have someone hurt me so bad. i’m really very hurt now. so much hurt that all these hurt has been translated into hate.

i really don’t know what to do anymore. even though i love him a lot… there’s nothing i can do about it. even if i want to… everything and everyone else don’t want to. more importantly… he’s happy with what he has now. why bother about me? i’m just a nobody. or just a spare tyre. when the whole world turns him down, there he goes – onto ky’s arms. nobody wants you anymore. oh, don’t fret. ky is still around. someone told me,"ky, u are a nice person.. don’t ever let anyone hurt you." and bingo – the person who said that to me is the one who hurt me the most in my whole 24 years of living. no one has ever hurt me so bad. 

the empty promises that you said keep revolving in my head. every single sentence that you have ever said to me is a lie. and you lies form one after the other. how can i ever trust you? 1 day you were just calling me dear. the next day i heard you got back with your girlfriend. you said i’m not a spare tyre. if not, what am i? your actions speak stronger than your words. i know. 

i guess you are not entirely to be blamed for what is happening now. but if you did not say those lies to me… i would not have put so much hope in your words that i am in the terrible state that i am now. i would not have hated you so much. i would not have shed so much tears. 

sigh.. ever since i got to know you… my days have been very up and very down. many a time, i would hit the very bottom of my spirits. i am starting to miss the cheerful ky i have been… i am even forgetting how it feels like, to be cheerful, to be without worries… to be the happy me. i have lost happiness. do you realise how much joy you have taken away from me? i don’t feel joy anymore. 

i don’t know what to do now. i’m going to put a stop. 

stop you from entering my mind. my thoughts. my sight.

i hate u.

.

may i die today?

feel like shit

yesterday night, i puked 5 times. constipated though. went to bed with a fever. doctor diagnosed "gastric flu". that sounded serious. 

some people are quite dumb. i mentioned that i keep vomitting and they asked me "don’t tell me u’re pregnant?!" those people are usually guys. and he is one of those idiotic brainless guys who thinks i’m pregnant. instead of comforting me, throwing all the love and attention i so very need, he just teases me about me being pregnant. i hate it. 

come to think of it, i think he’s the most useless guy i’ve ever seen.

perhaps it’s because i keep thinking he really means what he says – about me always occupying his heart, about him loving me…. but it seems like all he ever does is talk about it. he doesn’t ever show it. he asked me if he was useless. at that point in time, i said no. but after that, i really feel that he is. is he of such an inferior quality that he does not practice what he preach? i hate him… i want to hate him.

i cried myself to sleep on sunday. i thought he would be calling me, but he didn’t. anyway, why would he call me? he has his gf to attend to. why bother about someone he only needs when he’s lonely? since his gf is by his side… i can jolly well go and die. who cares? nobody. he doesn’t. she doesn’t. i told him i was waiting for him to call me. he gave me a stupid excuse like.. i was waiting for you online. fucker.. if you were really waiting for someone, you would have lost your patience and called her. 

i really hate you. so so much. u’re hot and u’re cold. one moment hot, one moment cold. 

i hate you i hate you.

Market Lingo

Ever since I started working, no matter what kind of office environment, I’d always encounter incorrigible words used in the the business world. 

The most irritating word is "Revert". 

The most commonly form of "revert" used is in sentences like: 

"Please revert by 12 noon today." 

or worse: 

"Please revert back to me by tomorrow." 
(by the looks of these two sentences, revert implies ‘get back to me’. So "revert back to me" means… get back to me back to me?) 

REVERT? REVERT? REVERT?!!! 

Initially, it sounded  very very wrong. 
Oh, wait a minute. Doesn’t revert have the same meaning of undo? Like, I need this thing to be reverted back to its original state. 
Am I missing out something in all my 20 years of conversing in English? Hence, I sought the help of my friend, the Dictionary. 

Mr Dict says this: 

re·vert  intr.v.   re·vert·ed, re·vert·ing, re·verts  1.        To return to a former condition, practice, subject, or belief.  2.        Law To return to the former owner or to the former owner’s heirs. Used of money or property.  3.        Genetics To undergo reversion.  I stated "Initially, it sounded very very wrong" above. How about now? IT STILL SOUNDS WRONG!!!!!  Can you imagine how I had to control myself not to laugh when one of my colleagues came to me and said  "Ying, have you reverted to the managers already? Are they going to revert back to you or are they reverting back to me? Can you send an email to tell them to revert back to you and when they have reverted can you please revert back to me as well?"  *BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.*  It’s damn funny, seriously. While she was saying that, this image was going on in my head.  There are 10 managers. 7 guys and 3 girls. Suddenly, they turned into 10 of ME. Cos they REVERTED to what they were originally – 10 of ME. So they were 10 Managers one instant, and 10 MEs the other instant. And at the very last instant… there were 12 replicas of that colleague.  Another word that I can never fathom the meaning was… "Going Forward". It is used in sentences like:  "Going forward, please send in your reports by 9am"  I guess… going backwards…. you can send in your reports after 9am?  If that’s the case, I would really like "Going forward, I will be cutting your salary by 50%"  So going backwards, you’ll be increasing my salary by 50%! YES!!!  When I first started work, my colleague, whom i was gonna take over, asked me to type an email telling them to add me to their distribution list. I wrote this "dear colleagues, please add me to the distribution list from tomorrow onwards."  My dear colleague told me "change it to: Going forward, please add me to the distribution list."  I gagged. He asked me what’s wrong. I asked… what about going backwards? What becomes of me?  He rolled his eyes like I was an idiot.  But indeed! Let’s break the phrase up:  Going: to move or proceed to. as in.. i’m going to the movies.  Forward: toward of at a place, point, or time in advance. as in… let’s look forward to the long weekend in September!  Puting them together in a sentence to business parties:  As we are moving towards the start of a new instance after this sentence, please add me to the distribution list.  Can’t we just do this: As we are moving towards the start of a new instance after this sentence, please add me to the distribution list.  Or  Going forward, please add me to the distribution list.  Does adding the phrase or not make any significant difference?  Not At All.  I wonder. And I’m still wondering, which idiot thought it was cool to twist words like that.  And on a super irritating ending note:  Tomorrow, we are going forward New Zealand. Though I’m excited about taking Singapore Airlines there, I feel sick that I have to revert by Air Asia!