not exactly simple

life.
not exactly simple.
definitely not what we would always want it to be.

it’s a constant struggle.
a constant reminder.
a constant kick.
a perpetual roller coaster ride.
it can be a hurricane; or the calm reservoir.
what ever you perceive it to be.

lately, it has been shown to me that life is always fragile.
at times, it seems unfair.
why do the good peeps always  leave first?
i guess, God loves them so much… he wants to save them and move them to a better place first.
am i being suicidal? sometimes! but not always.
at times when i think about what a great place heaven is………. UH… i so wanna die instantly. but of course i’m not ready.
is anyone ready to die?  really?

to think i lost 2 grandmas, one after the other.
it’s not easy.
i miss them both soo soo much.
pictures remind me of them.
i can still smell ah mah’s scent somewhere.
look at the igallop, i think of ah mah.
look at my neighbour, i think of popo.
how i wish i can join u.
i miss u both.

then dad had a brush with death.
Polyclinic > Emergency > ICU > Normal ward.
All in 3 days.
Thankful condition can be controlled with diet and medicines.
Don’t leave me so soon Dad, everyone has been leaving me consecutively.
Don’t let this be a cycle.
It makes me afraid.

then you talk about work.
the world is never fair.
it’s always about the sales that u make.
how you look.
dependent on whether your boss likes you or not.
is it never about you?

people.
they are never good enough.
u are never happy with anyone.
never accepting everything of anyone.
there are always too many sounds i thought i heard but i don’t see anyone talking.

am i paranoid?

such. is one of those nights i’ve been having lately.

think and think and think.

and you realise there’s no point in it.